Monday, October 17, 2005

A Poem of Firsts



How funny it is that I can’t think of a first sentence,
For once,
For this.

A story popped into my head, yesterday.
More of a poem maybe,
A poem made up of all those
First sentences that follow me around like lost puppies.

A woman with salt and pepper curly hair
Sat at her computer day in and day out
Playing Scrabble with cutesy names like
Pimpdaddy, Joker12 and Jonesingforwords.
She ate nothing but peanut butter sandwiches.

My grandmother told me a story, yesterday.

I have a memory, she said, of a girl
Standing by a footman’s horse
Wondering if he was ever going to return.
An enchanted lizard stared at her a few feet away,
She didn’t dare move. She didn’t want to be kissed.

The phone rang, but he didn’t answer because
Gilligan’s Island was on, the new one, and
He didn’t dare move because if he did,
Gilligan wouldn’t save Maryanne from loneliness.

There were five dogs in the family –
Bumby, Lady, Oscar, Dandy, and Abby.
Only two of them lasted, the first three
Run over by a car, swept away in wind,
Returned for being too wild to handle.

Love never found her when she wanted it to find her,
Leaving her in a constant state of intense
Anxiety.

Order can be made out of chaos,
So long as you have
Imagination and desperation.

Both of which I have, had, yesterday.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Fiction: Betraying Art

I wrote this piece some time ago and actually got it published in an online journal. I was so proud of myself. Like so many other journals, it went under and now my little moment of pride is gone. I'm posting it for Edge who said he was missing my fiction, who always has something interesting to say on his blog, who seemingly enjoys photography as much as I do.

Speaking of photography, I've added a link at the side to my photo galleries - there you'll see the kids, the husband, my sister, my brother, my grandparents, nieces and nephew, me, our world. I'll get back to my regular blogging soon.

*********

Betraying Art

“How much for the naked girl?”

The lascivious tone in the stranger’s voice caused me to open my eyes, an undesired response since I was catnapping. Like the last painting I offered for sale, I rested on dead, summer grass and was propped up against a chain link fence. The art festival was almost over and I had yet to unload “Lady in the Sun.”

“How much are you offering?”

“No more than a c-note.”

He cleared his throat and sniffed arrogantly, eyeing me before returning to the golden-breasted woman in front of him. The wool coat he wore was too heavy for the spring weather and a bead of sweat slid from his temple, disappearing into the thick folds of his neck. If it wasn’t for the cologne he wore, he’d be rank.

“How badly you want her?”

“I can give another fifty.”

I grappled as to whether I should hold out, glancing across the field filled with hundreds of other artists. I didn’t like the way the stranger shifted his weight. He had no legitimate interest in art – he was going to use Lady, abuse her. Above all, he’d commit the highest of creative crime: he’d misunderstand her.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Lemme think about it.”

I suddenly felt dishonest, disloyal. No doubt, I reacted to Lady’s features. She’d been brushed with colors of untruth.

The model had been a neighbor who needed cash so I suggested she pose. While I painted her, while she sat nude for me, she told a story of an adored necklace she’d lost. Her father had given it to her for her eighteenth birthday. But she’d been careless, wore it despite a faulty clasp, and one day the necklace vanished. Diamonds, sapphires, gold…gone. She’d looked at me with such helplessness, with such profound guilt, I found myself unwilling to reflect her pain on the canvas. I betrayed my own vision. Lady ended up confident and daring in her nakedness. Unlike my model, a similar loss for Lady would have been intentional. She would have thrown the precious item into the trash, mocking the giver.

“Where will you put her?”

The man wiped perspiration from his forehead with a red silk handkerchief. “What’s it to you?”

“She’s like a sister to me.”

“Artists…you’re all alike. It’s a picture – no more, no less.”

“Maybe I like the picture. Maybe I’m gonna be famous. I can’t just let her go for a measly one-fifty.”

Silence flowed between us, common viewpoint lost in the current. Lady lied to all her observers. Her history was invented, created, imaginary. I smoothed my exposed legs, the skin dry and uncared for. Paints, brushes, canvases, jars and rags waited for me at my apartment. Bills piled high waited, too. I couldn’t decide which held the bulk of my loyalties: Lady, a symbol of compromised artistry, or my stomach, a manifestation of raw need.

Before I could decide, two hundred-dollar bills fluttered to my feet. The stranger had flung them at me, an act of contempt. I grabbed the money and stuffed it into my pocket.

“Take her,” I said. “She’s all yours.”

Tag!

Ahhh...tagging back from Carolyn's post, here's what I found in my 23rd post, fifth sentence in:

I chuckled a little because from my place at the desk, I couldn't see any flowers.

Not very exciting a sentence, I'd hoped for more, I'd hoped for depth. Instead it's a fragment. Maybe that says something.

Here are the rules for the tag:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

I'll suggest Lori, MatzahNacho, Barbara, Nappy40, and the Butcher.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Just jumping in for a moment...off my usual topics...

I will come back and respond to the sweet notes in my last blog when I have more of a moment to myself.

In the meantime, help me! I'm drowning in a sea of conservative blogs regarding the latest Supreme Court nominee - I am frustrated by the abortion question, by the seeming disconnect between the lawmakers and the women who will truly be hurt by a loss of abortion rights. Certainly, no doubt, Californians are safe, New York, too, but what about the Southern states, all those "red states" just chomping at the bit to reduce liberty in our country? Who will be hurt there? The poorest women who cannot afford to travel to "blue states" nor hire their private doctors to do their abortions (as the wealthy will continue to do just the way they did back when abortion was illegal). If Roe v. Wade, its root cases and progeny are overturned, the ones who are clamoring for the change will not be affected, will not be hurt in any way. They don't get abortions today, they won't get abortions tomorrow. These people are so far off the ones walking into the clinics, I don't know what to do or say.

I know their response, but the response continues to be disconnected with reality.

I can only hope for "conservatism" - I can only hope the U.S. Supreme Court will continue to recognize the importance of legal medical intervention in a procedure that women will continue to want and get.

Until tomorrow...buenos noches.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I miss blogging...



I miss reading all my favorite blogs. I feel my little "family" has disappeared and of course, it's my fault for being so absent, so neglectful. A couple of weeks ago, Tamar wrote about her cave. She spoke about it so beautifully, in a positive way, describing a personal space, "hours of alone time, time to think, reflect, feel, understand, and, especially, time to write."

How I want that cave!

At the same time, I do feel a little withdrawn into another type of cave, one not so wonderful - I find myself anxious, tired, worried, bored even though I have something to do at all times of the day, sad. I miss writing, I'm always about to write something. Opening sentences hang on my fingertips, about to be typed, but disappear with my inaction. I sometimes feel the loss of "art" and find myself mourning the things I'll never accomplish. Like that novel of mine, like all of them.

Certainly, things are plodding along. J so far is handling school all right, no problems so far. He seems to like the classes and the teachers. M is very happy attending three days of preschool. She definitely needs a year before kindergarten - I'm hoping she'll be ready for it. Today we learned (not unsurprisingly) that A is below grade level (3rd) so he's been put into an "intervention" program. We start next week...he has to be in school at 7:00 a.m. three days a week. I don't think I need to tell you how much I'm dreading that. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's getting the attention, but I feel a little hopeless about it since we had him in a morning class last year and neither his handwriting nor his maths skills improved. I'm thinking some of what he's in intervention for requires him to get older before his skills will advance.

Is it terrible to be sad that my child needs so much help? Is it terrible to be a little envious of parents whose children have no difficulty? I keep wondering what I've done wrong. In my darker moments, I'm convinced my husband has bad genes. Yes, yes...it's all D! Damn him!

Thank god for mindless video games and television, oh and my books. Whatever would I do without my books?

Hugs to everyone. Thank you for being you, for being steady and reliable and uplifting.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Shhhh....

It's real quiet now, everyone's asleep, Sassy, too. I could probably say anything I wanted, get away with curse words, maybe a dirty movie. Yes, yes, I'll write something erotic...

Nahhhh...

We've moved onto September 22. The 21st slid by, a class in the a.m. A quick lunch on the couch in front of TiVo, a soda in the SUV on my way to pick up A and then M, Sassy tagging along and marking up the passenger window with her nose. The kids are finally in the car and the dog's jumping from seat to seat, her red, inherited-from-Abby-our-other-dog (R.I.P.) leash getting tangled. Backpacks thrown on the floor next to shoes and loose papers and my purse. Some internet browsing while the kids snacked on oatmeal cookies and a peach. An e-mail answered, notes printed out for class in the p.m. Homework. M has her own pre-school pages to work on and she's so proud. Every page she did. A did his, too. He does so much better when I'm not there breathing down his neck but I have to because he must make those letters the same size with spaces in between words...he has to make his sentences readable. I sort of laugh at myself, at how simple the writing is and yet how difficult. Well why should he put spaces? Everybodyknowsyoudon'ttalkwithspaces. Therearen'tspacesuntiltheendofthesentence!

My mother died four years ago on the 21st. I say that with spaces clearly audible. My sister focuses on the time passing. Ten years since Papa. I told her that I'm still not beyond the shock of them both being gone to think of the calendar. Mom has been on my mind. Yet today in class I told a story about my father and his absent-mindedness as a way to explain to the students to not be offended that it will be May, 2006, and I will still be asking them their name when giving them grades or checking for their presence for the roll sheet. I ate pickled okra as soon as I got home to remind myself of my parents' refrigerator back when life was never-ending and I'd never be independent and never get away from that tension-laden place in Pasadena. I used to sit on my bed beneath my open window, pink paint peeling off the window frame, reading some classic literature book, wondering why-oh-why didn't I go away to college. Dying to get out. I know that my oldest son is beginning to think similarly. I know he'll be bolting the moment he can. My little man, the one with the glasses and the tuxedo, sleeping in my arms in a wedding in Las Vegas. The one with the long hair and glasses-free brown eyes and what will be a very cutting wit.

In the afternoon after homework, I closed my eyes as I stood in my room next to the sliding glass door, a breeze coming in through the screen and I wondered when I'd be independent - I felt sad there, feeling autumn coming towards me. I don't know what it is about this time of year but the change in seasons puts me in such a state. Sure, maybe it's the obvious - the illnesses of my parents, losses of lovers, people leaving to go back to school, a shift. The sun doesn't warm me during these months - Sassy rubbed her body against my legs like a cat. M pulled me away from my thoughts, M in her red stockings, magenta boots, green skirt and matching shirt, a shirt that says in glittering pink letters, "Supergirl". Her hair is wild and big because I brushed it earlier to get tangles out. She has the finest freckles across the bridge of her nose fading into her cheeks. And the slightest overbite.

A friend of A stopped by and this little boy had a dog on a leash, a cute cocker-spaniel. Immediately A got Sassy on a leash and the two boys, both 8, went walking their similar-sized dogs around the neighborhood. We're so proud...Sassy didn't jump at the other dog or try to wrestle. She's a member of the family now, so yes, she has these little imperfections. We're working on them. Why should she be any different from any other member of the family? Seeing A with Sassy on a leash at his side thrills me, warms me. He's so happy with his dog who sleeps with him on his bed, all night, who licks his face and makes him smile.

When I packed up and left to school, I could see in the mirror M and D waving at me. I need a laugh, I said.

D gave me what I needed when I got home.

While I was away:

M [excited, at the dinner table, a un-bunned hot dog in her hand, pointed towards the floor]: Daddy, look at me!

D [turns to look while he's fixing himself some ravioli at the counter]: What do you want to show me?

M [moves her hand to show D the hot dog and is shocked to see that Sassy has eaten half the hot dog, the sight of which sends her into a fit of screeching]: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

D [immediate leaves the ravioli]: Oh no Sassy!

M [sobbing]: I don't want her to die! Daddy, don't let her die!

A [very impressed with the stealth-like capability of Sassy]: She's going to die all right, she's going to die tomorrow.

D [admonishing A using his full name]: A, no, don't say that. She's going to be fine, honey.

J [looking up from his drumming magazine]: Who died? Your friend died?

D: Nobody died!

M [getting off the chair and hugging Sassy who's very happy with the hot dog treat]: I love you, Sassy! Don't die!

J: Hey, M, are you going to eat the rest of the hot dog?

****

Sometimes I think my children have absorbed my death anxieties.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sunday

Ten o’clock and I’m sleepy-eyed, the kind of sleepiness that pulls you under while mid-sentence. When the boys were younger and demanding of stories while I lay beside them in the dark, I would begin one sentence and finish with another. J was always so in tune with my tales that he caught me right away, waking me, pointing out my out-of-sync words. A on the other hand never noticed. M doesn’t let me tell stories – we sort of tell them together, her little voice leading me along.

Me: Once upon a time there was a Princess—

M (in a scary, ghostly tone of voice): No, Mommy, there was a witch and she saw a dog named Sassy and she walked the dog in the woods.

Me: The witch—

M: (same scary, ghostly voice) Then Tinkerbell came and saved the dog from the witch.

Me: And they flew together—

M: (same scary voice) They walked to a castle with no locks or windows. Tinkerbell took the broomstick (pronounced “brum-stick”) from the witch and gave it to the dog.

Me: And they—

M: (excitedly) Theeee….end!

And so with M, I’m not given much opportunity to drift off into other-sentences.

Today, we celebrated J’s 12th birthday and I found myself desperately wishing for memories to flood me of when he was small and cuddled with me in my arms – how easy we forget those times even though while we were there, the hours, the days felt eternal, endless. How I wished for him to be just a little bit older, just a little more independent. How I wish now for him to be just a little less independent, how I wish he’d not shoo me away when I try to hug him.

Dinner was lively, at our local Chili’s. We opened gifts and had cake at home – J was thrilled to get all stuff for his drum set. A new crash cymbal, jazz drumsticks, a bag to carry his growing collection of drumsticks.

J’s feet are now bigger than mine.

I consoled myself by lying this night with M and hugging her close to me, memorizing the feel of her warmth and her easy acceptance of my cheek-kisses.

This morning though, J’s birthday seemed far away. I sat on the edge of my bed and watched HBO’s In Memoriam: New York City, 9-11-01. I found myself near-sobbing at the tragedy of it, at the limitless horror of the images. I felt almost as if I was seeing it for the first time because it’s been so long since I dared to watch anything on the event. In fact, when it happened, my mother was in a deep coma, one she would never wake from. I remember those 9-11 images on the television, I remember being shocked and saddened and afraid, but mostly I remember turning to my mother who lay silent on a hospital bed and weeping because I knew I’d never hear her stories again, I’d never lie with her again in her bed. I remember what felt like the most private, ignored grief as the country consoled the 9-11 victims.

Red-faced, swollen-eyed, I shook myself off when I shut off the television, burying the pain. I drifted into the kitchen were we put balloons and streamers up. I tidied the house, made the beds, kissed A on the top of his head as he played a video game. I watched him play – computerized cars zipping along a computerized track, speeding faster than any sort of reality.

“Look at the boost, Mom!”

“I see that…” Sassy whimpered at my feet, ready for a walk, ready for the day to get on. M cried for me to put her socks and shoes on, A ran from D, not wanting a much-needed bath.

I was glad to drop away from the scary tale to other-sentences, to today-ness, to a birthday.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

The Free Moment

At last I sit here at the computer in my overtaken office, at last a free moment to "blog". School starts for the boys on Tuesday - M began preschool on Friday. They seem anxious to start, to get the beginning over with. How funny that in these last days of summer vacation, we're all enjoying morning walks with Sassy, afternoon bike rides, and noontime swims in our community pool, all as if we have weeks left before our days will firm up with the school schedule. In hindsight, I'm sorry that the boys spent as long as they did in summer school. It's my sincerest hope that they'll do well in enough this coming year to skip summer school. That really took a huge bite out of the break. Next year I hope we do more than we did.

Hurricane Katrina occupies my thoughts - I flip on CNN, MSNBC, or BBC whenever I get a chance - I'm praying for our citizens who've lost so much. I'm sorry I don't live in a place where I can volunteer because giving money seems so...empty. But, it's what I can do.

I also plan on working for the Democratic party next election - I don't think our domestic infrastructure can take another four years of the Republican party. If Katrina hasn't revealed who's been hurt by the current conservative government, I don't know what can. How well-hidden the growing, impoverished class has been! How low on the totem-pole of W's priorities they've been sitting - the abandonment breaks my heart even further. I feel like shouting, "The Emporer has no clothes!"

My grandparents just left our house - an impromptu lunch. Earlier this morning my grandmother called me, letting me know she'd bring by KFC chicken, that she wanted to give J a little something for his upcoming 12th birthday. Mama Nana and Papa Úl looked good considering their advanced age (late 80's) and recent health troubles - Papa probably shouldn't be driving but he is and he won't consider giving it up. I'm pretty certain it will take a driving test to get him off the road. I hope one will be required soon enough. On the other hand, I know how terrible it would be for him to lose that independence. So...until then, there will be more impromptu lunches.

While Mama Nana was here, we talked about Katrina, about the lagging response times, moving on to immigration. Papa Úl, a long-time Democrat, a WWII vet, a son of Mexican-born parents, railed against Arnie, laughing at the rants about the flow of Mexican citizens into the U.S., "His father was a Nazi! Who is he to talk about Mexican people working in California?! My God!" A note...don't bother arguing with Papa Úl, you will get a smile and swift shake of his head and hand at you, followed up by more digging in with his position. In other words, there is no arguing with my grandfather. Today, I agreed. I even threw in that Arnie himself was rumored to have been a Nazi Youth member. Just to liven up the conversation. My grandmother said that was a true fact. D looked at me and said on the sly, "He couldn't possibly have been..."

I shot a look at D and with my eyes, told him to never mind.

Because my grandmother was once an immigrant, because her sisters, her children, her mother, and many friends emmigrated from Mexico, her perspective is always interesting and the images she evokes of her own youth are wonderful. She believes there shouldn't be the problem there is because Mexico is capable of being a stronger force in the world than it is. She blames the Mexican government and illusory, stubborn beliefs.

"Life here in the U.S. is not what they dream about," she said, "it's harder here than in Mexico. Those left behind have plenty of dollars in their wallets but the family is divided. What happiness is that?" She painted a picture of meadows, hills, and skinny dogs. "We were happy," she remembered. "The struggle here to survive isn't worth the loss."

Perhaps. I'm reminded of a winter holiday I spent in Mexico City with my mother and sister, spending a few weeks in a great-aunt's multi-story apartment. I can still feel the cold tile floor, I can still remember my imaginings over the recent death of another tenant in the same building who rolled out of his window and fell three stories down into the courtyard to his death. "He fell asleep in the wrong place," according to my elderly aunt, Tía Margarita, who told the story in a highly judgmental fashion, blaming the man for his own demise (the story was told as a warming to us to not venture near the large, open windows with no railing).

I recall in particular an amazing day trip to a nearby national park, ten of us crammed into an ancient sedan, our favorite cousin, Juanito, driving (Juanito had had a stroke and we weren't 100% sure of just how much he could see out of his bad eye - some suspected he was mostly blind but that wasn't enough for the family to intervene because he was great at bribing the highway police and everyone rather risked a car accident than getting delayed by a speeding ticket). People sat on laps, sitting on still someone's else's lap, no joke, laughing and chatting the hour drive. My mother prayed that we wouldn't get hit - she laughed and chatted, too, but in a clearly distracted manner. We did get there, had a great picnic and an exhausting, beautiful hike. The day had been blissfully fun. Throughout the holiday we ate from street-side vendors (really one shouldn't do it) and played cards with the kids our age (we taught them "Pig" - according to my mother, for years after the trip the kids played the card game and always played thinking of us). The funny thing is that my sister and I didn't speak Spanish. We learned a little down there and must have learned enough to communicate because in my mind, I can almost believe we all spoke the same language. I know we didn't. What happened was that children can "talk" to one another in special ways.

My memory of Mexico is one of joy mixed in with hardship - life wasn't easy, money didn't come easily, but you always had family to celebrate with. I can see that living in the United States robbed the transplanted immigrants of that particular enjoyment of life. My extended family here...doesn't have that unique joy. It's this loss of joy my grandmother spoke of.

Today, the temperature has risen to 90 or so, maybe more than that. The heat reminds me of being in that stuffy car - I think of the heat in the drowned, wrecked Delta. I hope for a quick return of joy.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

She's comin' around the corner, here she comes...

This morning, I'm off on the train to San Diego. Looking forward to seeing my dear friend, looking forward to hanging out with her, looking forward to the quiet time on the way.

What I'm perplexed by is my increasing reluctance to stepping away from the family - I've noticed more and more that I'm apprehensive when faced with opportunities to do independent activities. Not so much with the teaching, but about going away, leaving them behind to do something on my own. Hard to put into words what bothers me...worry that something will go wrong...concern that the children will tie my husband up and cause untold havoc in our neighborhood...but mostly, really, subtle, simmering fear. Manageable, now. I wonder if it will be manageable when I'm 50.

Should I stay home? Should I cancel?

Let me think. Let me listen to the music of my home.

No, I'm off. Train leaves at 10:30! See you soon!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Another Day in the Life

Argument heard from my office:

J [angry and defiant]: You can't get a cell phone if I can't get a cell phone.

A [matter of fact]: Daddy said I could get one.

J [more angry]: He did not! You can't get one! You're just a crybaby!

A [starting to cry]: Daddy said if we win the lottery, I could get one!

J [unmoved by the fact that the cell phone is mythical]: You'll never get a cell phone, I'm going to get it first!

The entire conversation deteriorated further, resulting in wrestling, tears, and a stay in their separate corners. Oy!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Coming Up for Air

Coming up for air to spit out the goings-on.

I'm fully entrenched in classes even though mentally I'm still on summer vacation. Today's lecture for Civil Procedure however told me I need to stop with the summer mindset.

Sassy's doing great, though. She's got her issues...she loves to nip at the kids shorts, pants, shoe-laces, as they run, as she chases them. She definitely sees them as fellow puppies - it's very funny, but something I hope tempers as she gets older. She's still learning to walk on a leash - wow does she pull! We were pleased though to see that she's got great stamina. She managed a short hike brilliantly, was happy to cross creeks, was happy to get a little muddy, was fine when we bathed her in our little plastic pool outside. I have to say, we're all totally in love with her and she's brought a much-needed sense of "gentleness" to the house. It's great for the kids when she lies on the blanket on the couch and they get to pet her. She slows them down a little.

A little.

There have been days I've said, "I cannot stand my children!" They fight, they demand, they sass us. D and I feel like we're battling the insurgents...every time we think we have them beat, they blow up another part of the house. Is that bad to compare my children to terrorists? I don't mean to demean the terrorists...I mean, the children, but honestly!

Thursday I plan on abandoning the kids to my poor overburdened husband when I take off to visit my dear friend in San Diego. YAY! I think I'm taking the train. The hotel's nearby. It'll be nice to just sit for a couple of hours and read. As opposed to dealing with traffic.

Well...I've more to say, but J's just come into the office and is playing the drums. I'm so glad he's being educated.

What? I can't hear you...I can't hear myself think! Bless his little Slipknotted heart!



Afterthought: Watched Six Feet Under - depressed the hell out of me. I was left overwhelmed by the concept of time-passage, reminded in some way of all those things my father agonized over right before his death, all the things he would miss, the things he's missed, the time that will pass. In the days after he died, I was most bothered by the idea that one day I would reach an age wherein he would have been gone more than he was alive in my life. The fast-forward sequences at the end of the program reminded me of that thought. They had this disturbing effect of showcasing the joy of life and minimizing it, pointing out how small we are in the larger sense of the world. We are but blips.

Criminy, no wonder I couldn't sleep last night!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Sassy: Update




Sassy in a contemplative moment, at last!

By the way, only my children would fight over who gets to pick up the poop! Here's the morning's rundown which I heard through the open window of my bedroom:

M [running and screaming into the yard, poop bag in hand]: I want to pick up the poop!

A [running after her into the yard, poop bag in hand]: I want to pick up the poop! It's my job!

[M screeching wordlessly]

[A laughs triumphantly]

[M screeching]

[Children run back inside the house]

M [sobbing and walking towards me as A got to the poop first]: I wanted to pick up the pooooo! Mommy, I wanted to pick it up!

A useless discussion followed on turns at picking up poop (useless because so long as one wants to pick up poop, the other will want to also - the idea of lining up to pick up poop is beyond them). There are times as a parent that I must confess to my I.Q. having plummeted following the births of my children. Today was one of those times.

Hell's Frozen Over

My husband told me that hell would freeze over before he got another dog. Let me tell you, it’s freezing here in Suburbia, Los Angeles.

My middle son, A, has been asking for a dog since my brother brought home his fit-in-a-teacup Chihuahua at Christmas. My daughter wanted one, too. J was a little hesitant since he’s allergic to cats and certain kinds of dogs. We’d had one for a long while before M was born – 11 years long I had her, in fact. My Abby, a Scottish terrier, predated my husband. He’d never had a pet and eventually learned to love her but when she went to the great grassy field beyond the rainbow he swore we’d never own another dog. Too expensive, he said, too sad when it’s time to go separate ways.

He kinds-sorta relented, however, at the repeated sight of a nurturing A with my brother’s dog. Couldn’t resist at least a consideration of bringing some of that love home.

So on Thursday, A and I stopped by on a lark at our local Humane Society. We wandered up and down the aisles, looked at all the dogs – A liking in particular a short, fat guy with beyond-hope teeth that caused his lip to rise. But he had bad fly strike (a new term I learned for awful, open sores that develop when flies eat the skin away) and was too old (ten years). We did take note though of a nice sized miniature pinscher – she was sweet, accepting A’s tender nose-touches, quiet. She reminded me a large Chihuahua, just the sort of dog A had been hoping for. I saw she was three years old. There was a similar dog about a year old except he was really small. Much too small to manage the over-affection M would most likely heap upon him. We checked out some others, a Benji-type terrier, a large Dennis-the-Menace terrier, a hound puppy with the best floppy ears. We filled out the requisite forms and were given a time to return, the next morning at nine a.m. sharp.

The three-year old pinscher was the one we’d be meeting. My husband started downing the Tums when I told him of the appointment. One thing is looking at dogs, another thing is adopting one.

“A dog…who’s going to pick up after it? Who’s going to pay for it? The clutter we have! She’s going to get into everything! The trash, your papers, your books! My shoes! And what about peeing in the house? Oh! And boarding her…how are we going to leave at a moment’s notice for the weekend?”

“What weekend?”

“The weekends that we do that!”

“What weekends?”

“You’re so mean to me!”

So…7:30 a.m. rolls around the next morning and I’m the one lying in bed, positively petrified. I’d read about pinschers on the internet, I read that the breed isn’t so hot for kids. That they’re hard to housebreak, that they’re curious and owners need to baby proof.

“Oh no…I can’t do it,” I said.

“Oh right…get out of bed, we’re going down there. You told the kids, they want the dog. Even J wants the damn dog.”

“I had dreams all night about this…the trash, peeing large puddles on our carpet. Although oddly it wasn’t my house now, it was my house with my parents. The one in Pasadena.”

“It’s a sign that we shouldn’t get a dog. Stay in bed.”

“No, no, you’re right, the kids want it, they’ll be heartbroken if we let them sleep past the nine appointment. No, we have to go.”

“Damn.”

Off we went – a half hour ride, facing no traffic. A sheer miracle if you know the 210 freeway. We got there in time and walked into the pound. A dragged all of us to the right cage belonging to our potential dog – the quiet one, the sweet one – and there she was, barking up a storm in her little cell. The kids were thrilled but D and I sort of swallowed hard and walked around the place in hopes for an alternative. The terrier I thought I liked growled like a madwoman at D, to which I responded nastily, “She senses your dislike of dogs.”

“You’re so mean to me.”

“Proof’s in the pudding, buddy boy.”

At which point I walked up to this sweet-looking Benji-dog to prove my love of all creatures small and large – she growled at me, baring her teeth.

“All right, all right, this one’s out.”

We proceeded to knock off our list of potentials pretty much every dog in the place except the barking fool in cage P12. She barked, she slid her slick body against A’s hand in the cage, she offered up her soulful black eyes and wagged her tail. Her ears flopped. She barked again and twisted and hopped up and down like a kangaroo.

“Oh man,” I said.

The adoptions clerk came to us, leash in hand, and opened the cell. The pinscher was all over the place, the leash finally clicking.

“Lordy,” I said as the clerk handed me the leash, the dog pulling at me in a billion directions. The kids shrieked with pure joy, J commenting to me, “I think she’s the one, Mom, the perfect dog.”

“Criminy,” I said. “This one needs some training.”

M was delirious with giggles, hopping as much as the dog was. We all got into the clerk’s office. The dog sniffed all over the place, constantly moving, at last scarfing scoobie snacks the clerk gave her. She was cute, I admitted, when she made her way to me. I held her little face and she looked at me, licking my chin, her little body still for that moment. She wandered to D and nuzzled him. She let the kids pick her up and she didn’t growl or complain or nip despite her legs hanging down unnaturally. The clerk stared off into space.

She and I chatted a little – there wasn’t much information. The pinscher was a stray, picked up on the ruined streets of Pasadena – god only knows what she was doing to support herself, the poor girl. She passed her social tests with flying colors, though.

“Is she housebroken?” I asked.

The clerk shrugged, shaking her head, her little black bangs wiggling, “No idea.”

I could tell the pinscher had no real basic training – she didn’t respond to sit or stay, she wouldn’t walk on the leash in any respectable manner.

The kids loved her, of course. She seemed tolerant, patient with their attention. Capable of affection. All a good sign. D sighed and rubbed his face as the dog slid under the desk to the clerk, M hanging onto the leash and going under the desk, too.

“What do you think?” I asked.

He rolled his eyes and shivered, the kids repeatedly singing out, “Are we going to keep her? Are we taking her home? Are we getting her?”

The clerk offered us time, until noon to decide (clearly the little one had no one else waiting – no other takers on the premises – a good dose of euthanasia was most likely waiting for her), walking out with the dog, us in tow. She put her back into the cell to await our decision. The kids gathered around her, the dog barked a little. The terrier across the way growled like a fiend.

Only a few minutes passed before we found the clerk and told her, yes. The walk to the car was crazy, the ride home was crazier (the dog was positively nuts). We made our way straight to our vet and got her a rabies shot and review. The vet told us our little dog was nowhere near three – she’s a year old, still a puppy in her mind even if her body’s full grown at near 14 pounds. No fleas, great teeth.

So now…we have Sassy, a one-year old black and brown miniature pinscher (a “minpin,” or “min pin” in dog circles). After nearly 24 hours with the girl, we cannot believe our luck – she’s housebroken, she’s smart (she’s picking up some basic commands), she doesn’t disturb any of our “stuff”, and she’s great with the kids, playing along with them. Letting them love her and get to know her. She’s in constant motion but not hyper like she was when we first took her home. I think she’s a keeper.

So…meet Sassy…no…meet her now…no…wait…there she goes…oops!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Attention Deficit Disorder

I must have A.D.D. I'm sitting here at my desk with the sole intention of preparing for classes next week (after a week of not being able to get to my computer thanks to my being essentially locked out of my office by my older son), but I'm not working on that. I'm reading blogs that I've neglected and writing my own.

Sad about Peter Jennings, isn't it? I'm reminded a bit of my father because we used to always watch the Evening News over dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I've no idea what to cook tonight.

Where was I? Oh yes, several things have been on my mind. Like television. As in the death of Nate on Six Feet Under and the end of Queer as Folk. Once again, I'm faced with my now-getting-ridiculous hatred of endings, separation. I practically sobbed when the creators killed their main character in SFU and cried all through this last episode surrounding the funeral. I'm extremely sorry to see QAF go especially in this current day of anti-gay sentiment. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy does NOT cut the mustard.

Don't say it, I'm a complete fool for fiction, I know. I won't argue the point. I truly enjoy the ongoing story - love the characters, the plots, the escapism, the reflection. Sadly, there is no comparable drama on the air right now. There isn't any dramatic series as focused on interpersonal relationships as those two have been. There's lots of murder going on now, lots of reality crap, lots of sitcoms and news programs...but the complex adult family drama? If there is one and I'm not aware, please enlighten me.

Moving a bit inward...to an itch on my belly button. I have an innie. My sister's an outtie. I think the spelling's wrong on those. Wait, I need a coke. Make it a Diet Coke...I've gained another five pounds over the summer, damn it. Too much lying about. Oops...M needs me to fiddle with Eye Toy on the playstation. Be back.

Back.

What bothered me about the death of Nate was the sense of the incomplete life. The character constantly struggled to be happy, to reach a state of personal peace, and he never got there other than through death. Both my parents chased similar states throughout their lives and were about as successful as the character of Nate. Both died...incomplete. I vowed at each death to do more to satisfy my own personal goals...and here I am, feeling incomplete. Undone. If I die tomorrow or a year from now or even five, what then?

What is it I'm trying to accomplish, really (other than how to stretch this last week of summer into a month - scanning my girlfriend's Civ Pro notes will be a help)?

This past weekend brought up the same query (the above query about my accomplishments, not the query as to how to stretch out my week) as I attended with D his high school reunion. He's quite a bit older than me, so don't fall over when I say it was his forty-year reunion. We were teased mercilessly because my husband was the only one there with a four-year old child that wasn't his grandchild. While he chatted with everyone, I felt like I was in a bit of a time warp. Next door to us was Class of 1985 reunion, only a few years off my '82. When I walked out to call our babysitter, I could hear on one side the music of Berlin and on the other, the music of the Beach Boys. At my huband's reunion, there was a table with the names of people who passed on, their high school pictures, faces ready to battle the world. How fast it all goes! How little time we have to figure out what we want, get out there and get it done!

I'm frustrated with the fuzziness of my job...a writer? A teacher? A mother? Is a little of everything okay with me? Will I end tomorrow, sorry?

Today, I had lunch with my sister-in-law at her Christian Women's Club. I'm always happy to go to be with her, but can only take it in small doses because of the testimonials. The message is always the same: Ask Jesus into your life and you will be saved from awful things. The speakers mean this quite literally. God will put clothes on your back, save you from car accidents, burglars, failed businesses. I always, always, feel the compulsion to bite my tongue during these statements, I always want to argue (let's go for the obvious...were there NO Christian individuals who died tragically in 9-11? Nobody who'd let Jesus into their life and begged for their lives to be saved? What about the millions who die each year from disease who are Christian?). I'm just floored by the silliness of literal beliefs.

Oh nooo...the drums. I must move them. Out...out...

I've just handed off those Civil Procedure notes to D - forget scanning. Go to the copy place down the street. I'll give you a big hug and a kiss!

Back to the Christian Lunch. I chose (instead of biting my tongue, one that has strawberry tendencies, that is, it gets splotchy when I eat high-acidic foods, oddly enough making the picture of me sticking my tongue out, sort of a risky one) to listen to the speaker and apply the theory of "positive thinking" or "light" to her message. In the end, I saw that the idea of "Christ" can be the same as "letting peace into one's heart." To free oneself from stresses (whether they are serious childhood trauma or the temporary stress of children demanding too much) can lead to better circumstances, to more healthful living. Through voluntary willingness to let difficulties go, to accept difficulties as a fact in life, to choose joy over sadness, one can reach a state of peace.

In listening to the speaker, I believe such a goal can be reached through prayer, through tapping the meridian points, through meditation. Buddhism has comparable precepts, the idea of zen, the idea of accepting suffering as part of life in order to focus on happiness and joy (also part of life) as a means to ultimate peace.

I enjoyed the lunch, enjoyed as always the company of my sister-in-law, MW. I'd decided to accept my suffering and be at peace rather than bite my tongue.

Now, now, I must go back to work. After I read some more blogs. After I play around with my music. The more I write of work, here, the sleepier I'm getting. Perhaps I'll take a nap...that is, if the kids will leave me alone for an hour or so. Now that I mention it, the last thing I'm thinking of as I draw to a close, is how much I'd like to spend a weekend alone. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I think it was before my mother died. How nice to not be asked of anything for a few days.

Breathing in...breathing in...pretend M and A are not fighting over the playstation...what was I writing about to start with? I can't even remember. I think I'll buy tickets to the King Tut Exhibit today. Ouch, criminy, I just banged my elbow on the desk...

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The RV Experience

... ended up being a lot of fun. You must understand, I've never done it before. My parents were hotel people and so is D. I never even considered this as a viable option. However, now with my first weekend under my belt, at the risk of stating the obvious, I'm completely behind the "RV" lifestyle as a great alternative to the traditional hotel-trip for the family vacation.



Certainly, the experience was not without wrinkles. For instance, we spent a lot of time tending to the children. They seemed to always be in a state of need: towels, foods, chairs, bikes, scraped knees, suntan lotion, snacks, money. D and I are used to high-maintenance kids, my brother BB and brother-in-law DH however are not. So there was a bit of griping amongst some of the parents involved ("Just go and ride! Ride with the wind! Far, far away down the road! Just keep an eye out for the little ones!")



Another wrinkle is that we seemed to work a little harder than on a hotel-trip, in the sense that packing a rented RV is quite the job. So much to take that you don't take when going to a hotel (primarily, your "stuff"). There was also a lot of fiddling with buttons and doo-dads to make everything run smoothly. More time at the campsite and we'd have had to worry about gas and propane and black water and grey water...etc. Craziness. There was lots of fiddling to be done with awning, with putting up (and the inevitable taking down) the hanging net-thingie to make a closed porch using the awning. There were leveling issues...using jacks and blocks to make the RV level (so your coffee cup doesn't slide off the table and into your lap or your kid's lap).

On the other hand, in a hotel, leaving the room to go bike riding, to go to the beach, to go anywhere, is a formal affair. You need to get your things, you need to get the kids, you need to leave the room and head down the elevator, all the while knowing you'll not be in the room for quite some time. In an RV park, the kids could ride up and down the rows in a pack while the parents drank beer at the campsite. Nothing to gather, nothing to do! Just...ride like the wind, far, far away down the road!

Likewise in a hotel, you don't usually pack things that make you comfortable in your everyday life such as your own coffee in your own coffeemaker, your fave snacks, your music, your pillow. With an RV, you get to bring your "stuff"!



Cooking also calls for more work that isn't present on the hotel-trip. Not so fun for the parents necessarily (although the BBQ with all of us grilling on our portable grills was a blast) but wonderful for the kids (no ordering of expensive, overly french-fried kids' meals that usually aren't eaten anyway). They get to eat what you want them to eat being that...you packed it.

Sleeping was fine - the kids had their sleeping bags and were fine in the various cubbies in the RV. D and I had a queen-sized bed in the back.

Overall, we came home very interested in doing it again. I was surprised that kicking back in a park full of other RV's and their respective occupants (a mere few feet away from us) was actually enjoyable. Definitely next summer we'll do it for a longer period of time. The trick is to find a good spot, a good campsite that's clean, that's got stuff to do for the kids (places to go), that has bike paths and hook-ups. Yeah...a great option.

In the meantime, I'm gearing up to start school in less than two weeks. I've watched my summer come and go and I cannot describe how reluctant I am to end the season. I wanted to do more with my time, I'm sad to see the time speed away. Over the weekend, I took with me, I keep with me now, a memory of my near-twelve J sitting on the bunk over the cab in the RV. He had earphones on, the cd player played anti-parent, god-awful speed metal, and his head nodded wildly, hair and all moving with the beat, pure teenager. His gangly legs below though swung back and forth, one foot one way, the other foot the other way, opposing directions, the movement a vestige of his toddler-hood. How he'd sit on a dining room chair and swing little legs too short to touch the floor while he ate and chatted with us, our hanging on his every word, or when he'd sit on a countertop or the edge of a gym at a park, reaching his arms out for me to pick him up and bring him down to earth once more.

With this picture of my changing child firmly in my heart, I feel time sliding away like salt water through my fingers.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Putting the Fire Back into a Marriage

This morning my daughter came into D's and my room near five, her little legs going one way, her arms the other, effectively kicking D out of bed. He stumbled into M's room, thinking he'd sleep the rest of the morning there. Except near six, A got up and turned on the t.v. too loud, waking all of us. D was angry, tired, frustrated because we'd stayed up late talking and reading, and he let A know making him cry. I hopped out of bed when I heard the commotion (peeling M off of me), guided A back to bed (which was short-lived), assuaged his hurt feelings, and bitched at D for being such an ass. Because he was.

The next hour was spent fuming at D, thinking I should get up, thinking I should write. Thinking I'd write about what happens to marriage when you have three exhausting children, not quite enough money to make life slick and easy, not enough friends to ease the pain, and enough differences in personalities to sometimes make the ride hostile. M cuddled up to me, pushing me to the side of the bed, and the anger left me. I thought about my poor husband having to sleep (not sleep) on M's plastic-covered, cheap matress, surrounded by Hello Kitty pillows and one newborn baby doll. As the sun rose, I figured I'd write about those moments when I love D so much I think I'll burst for the lack of physical expression. Because...let's be honest, all the things I mentioned that strain a marriage lead to "bed death." We can't even remember the last time...criminy where did all that early passion go?

Oh sure, we touch toes every so often. As we turn over in bed, we give each other little fingertip rubs to let the other know we're still alive. When the kids are finally sleeping, D falls asleep, too, leaving me to my thoughts and books and movies. On occasion I complain but nothing changes really because of course, our situation remains the same. The stresses are still there. Some would suggest our marriage is in trouble. I read once that a "sexless marriage" means having sex once a month. Good god then, what do you call a marriage where it's happening once a year?

The thing is we're good. We're in sync. We're best friends. What we need is to get away without the kids. When we manage that (a rarity because nobody wants to take on our children) we can get together. When we're free of the usual strains, we remember.

This morning we woke up wanting the fire back in our lives.

So at seven our day started. The usual happened...breakfast, a little bike ride, showers, the kids playing inside the house, the kids battling to occupy the same space (fighting physics). D worked on changing the windshield wipers on our ancient BMW. He did a great job except for that one wiper arm, the one which slipped out of his hands and smacked hard against the windshield causing it to crack in many brilliant directions. While D screamed outside in horror, I worked on the list for our trip (which looks like I might as well hook up our house to the RV we're renting). After lunch, after consoling D about the broken windshield (what's another $600 honey? Your dad always did say fixing things wasn't your forte. Consider it...destiny.) I went shopping for the goods. When I got back, D helped me unload and then promptly went back to the market to get the things I forgot.

We wished we could go out, we wished for candlelight romance...the tiniest bit of fire. We settled for a roasted chicken from the market and frozen veggies in the microwave. Salad on the side. The kids ate relatively non-wolf-like, the floor not as littered as usual. M ate all her chicken ("See, I told you I like this kind of good chicken!"). A and J chowed happily. Then, a knock at the door.

I got up, M and A running behind me, trying to race me to see who was visiting. It was our neighbor, still in her bathing suit.

"We were at the pool and we saw a branch fall off your pine tree onto some wires and there's smoke! I called the fire department!"

"What?!"

Within minutes a fire truck came roaring up our street, lights blazing (but siren-less out of consideration for our small neighborhood). They unloaded their stuff (boots, little yellow, fire-resistant outfits) and we all followed the extremely handsome and bulky firemen into our backyard. Sure enough, there was a broken branch at our back fence, a rather hefty branch and it was lying on top of flimsy-looking wires. I could hear the zapping of electricity. I rushed the kids inside at the firemen's suggestion ("That's like 4000 watts...high voltage...serious stuff," the captain beamed).

While inside, rushing around, trying to make the house look decent, I heard a loud sound. The electricity in the house flickered. M and A ran somewhere in the house. Another boom. All the power went out.

Outside, we'd gotten our wish. Fire had returned to our marriage!



According to my husband, he'd been standing far too near the tree, listening to the zaps, watching for the plumes of smoke. Suddenly, the branch burst into flames, igniting the oleander shrubs beneath. Fire, fire, fire! D booked it like a man with a mission, the flames a picture of the very mouth of hell! So he said. As he watched from behind a fence, the firemen came around (coolly, not rushing at all) from the front of the house, hoses in hand, and like out of a movie, wrangled that hose to control the gushing water to put out the flames.



And with that, the mass of the neighborhood gathered in front of our house to learn what happened because...well...the entire neighborhood lost power. We were all awash in darkness. Dinners were lost, refrigerators were heating up, homes heating up as well. All our fault!

A neighbor looked at my oldest son with suspicious eyes. J swore he didn't do a thing.

Tonight, Edison is outside our house working to fix the downed power lines. They did manage to at least return light once again to our corner of the world. The children are asleep. D, my prince, has convinced the Edison folks that they need not cut the branch tonight. They can keep silent their wood chipper.

"Come in the morning."

"Ok."

What a wise and excellent negotiator D is!

And so...D and I sit now on our porch, clicking our mugs of ice cream together in a salute. We are alone. We wanted fire in our lives...we got it.



Have a wonderful, lively weekend everyone! See you when we get back!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Monday


Take note, I added a little section on the right-hand column of my blog that lists the books I’m reading (or rather, what’s sitting on my night stand next to my bed, the many books that I read parts of at a time because I rarely read one book in its entirety before picking up another) and the music I’m listening to.

I wish you could hear how beautiful the “Frida” soundtrack sounds, how melodic and emotional each piece is. You don’t have to understand the language as the lilt and sway of the music speaks of the lilt and sway of an artist’s life and is really something to love. Much of the music sounds like the music I grew up listening to on Saturday mornings while my mother cleaned house and worked to get her lazy daughter to do the same. I’m reminded of the bright kitchen in our old Pasadena home, the mustard colors mixing with blue and green, the scent of bleach in preparation for a party, the music reflecting the anticipation of people and drink and food. The music pushes me into a place of tense reflection.

One thing on my mind these days is how close to the surface my fears live – I’m bothered by this truth, wishing for a way to manage them, to set them free. I’m ashamed, actually.

On Saturday, my sister, her kids, a good friend of ours, my children and I attended a showing of “Herbie” at El Capitan Theater in Hollywood. After the movie, we crossed the street to see more sidewalk stars and the cement imprints outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater. I was holding M’s hand and let go of her, turning slightly to take a picture of my sister and her daughter. When I reached for M seconds later, she was gone. I swept the crowd surrounding me and couldn’t see her.

The people moved about, continuing as they were. A throng of Chinese students, all identically uniformed, laughed and took pictures while a family stamped on footprints and bent to touch handprints. I couldn’t see M anywhere and panic overtook me. Sweat beaded on my neck and my breathing sped up. The crowd closed in on me and I heard myself call M’s name in a particular, strained, high-pitched voice that only comes when I’m terrified. I was useless – I couldn’t see her, I couldn’t hear her, my only consciousness was of A’s hand in mine.

My sister remained calm and heard my daughter crying several yards away from us, a crowd having gathered around M as she was making a bit of her own terrified fuss. I caught sight of my sister waving me over and managed to get to M, to hold her and assure her she was okay. Her little body in my arms served as much a comfort to me as my arms were a comfort to her. It took a while for M to stop crying and for me to recover as well.

The loss of her in that crowd ripped open my horrible fear of separation. In the moments I couldn’t see her, I was convinced someone had taken her from me, that I lost her for good. I was a child in that moment, as childlike and helpless as M. I felt myself to be a poor example of a mother. I was sorry that M should have such a fearful parent.

I do try to hide my fear from the children. With D’s encouragement, I let our sons ride to their friends’ houses to play and permit J to skateboard all afternoon outside our neighborhood with his buddies. I fight the urge to yell, “Be careful!” But I usually lose that battle and forewarn them, without mentioning specific dangers. J sometimes reflects my fears though, getting nervous when things are seemingly out of the norm for an instant or two but that doesn’t surprise me as he’s the oldest. He has borne the brunt of my nervous parenting. D balances me out with his confidence. I thank god for D’s assuring presence. Perhaps that’s why I got so frightened in Hollywood – I was without D.

Perfectly in tune with my experience, D and I went to the movies last night to see “War of the Worlds.” Talk about feeling out of control, being at the mercy of luck and good fortune in order to not be killed by all-powerful death rays. I took it as a metaphor for the current ideological war being waged by extremists, but I think it’s also commentary on modern day America. Each day, I open cnn.com and never fail to learn of the latest child abduction, the latest freeway sniper shooting, the latest bombing in a subway or vacation spot. We’re so on the edge of Armageddon, one wonders how we wake up in the morning.

I wonder.

In the meantime, I hope M will grow up with less fear than I have. I took her experience as something to be expected – the crowd was an unfamiliar one, a large one, she’d never been to Hollywood her entire life, the separation was sudden. She hasn’t talked of what happened, making me think she’s either forgotten it or has pushed it down into her subconscious…only to waken when she’s 41 and loses her own 4-year old in an unfamiliar crowd.

What’s coming up…a weekend in Newport Beach in a rented RV. Camping of a sort. Should be interesting. We’ll be going with my brother and his family, with my sister and hers. I’ll let you know how it goes.

As a final commentary, “Herbie” was a cute movie. Ironically, one aspect of the film was about a father having to let go of his fear for the safety of his daughter.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Plodding Along



The depths of summer have come, we're swimming lots in the community pool, popsicles and fruits are primary snacks, the temperature has soared at last, summer school is over. D and I caught a movie on the weekend thanks to D's sister Mx and her husband Uncle Bb, both assisted by their little dog, Molly, who's been leash-sensitized by my daughter M (leash in hand, she likes to chase Molly because there's nothing quite like experimenting with a dog on a leash...how much they're like little toys!). On this lovely night out away from the children, we ate at a fine BBQ restaurant and then saw "The Wedding Crashers". Very funny movie...very adult, Vince Vaughn made for a hilarious fall guy and Owen Wilson was smooth with his serious presentation of lies.

Yesterday we caught Charlie and Chocolate Factory and were quite entertained. The film was a wee bit too slow or quiet at moments for 4-yr old M (she said on numerous occasions that she wanted to go home), but J and I loved it and A and D enjoyed it quite a bit. Johnny Depp did an excellent job at at showing the contempt Willy Wonka had for the concept of family. I was glad to see Charlie never make a mistake and at the end, won over Willy Wonka to the importance of family, to love's sweetness. I much preferred the ending here to the one in Gene Wilder's movie...I say that ducking and covering to avoid the wrath of original-movie supporters. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved Wilder's Willy Wonka...still do. Wilder's Wonka believed his whimsical, isolationist philosophy of life was the correct philosophy and through the end, that philosophy was never challenged. He was arrogant and was rewarded by Charlie in one step. Depp's on the other hand was told by Charlie that his philosophy was wrong. Depp's Wonka had to change to win Charlie over. Visually, you cannot compare the two because time has allowed the creators of the remake to spoof up the Chocolate Factory. Computers have allowed the Oompa Loompas to look even more alike, thereby building up their absurdity.

In the end, I walked out of the theater satisfied (and full of candy because while we're trying to be candy-free all summer, I thought it unjustly cruel to take the children to a movie theater to watch a movie about candy and not allow them to actually eat any).

An update on our summer trip...we've abandoned our long road trip. Sadly, regrettably. D and I decided that while spending the money is not a problem, in truth, due to A's emotional difficulties, 10 days on the road might be too much for him to endure. So we'll be doing short trips. In a couple of weeks, we'll be experimenting with a motor home - "camping". My brother and sister and their respective families will be there, too, all of us camping out at Newport Dunes. We've never done it before, so it should be interesting. If we like it, we'll plan something bigger next year...something further away such as Sequoia National Park or the Grand Canyon.

My kids does so much better when they're with their cousins. I can't explain it, but the stress level decreases for us tenfold. We're also considering a weekend in Catalina Island with the kids...just us. That should go well, lots to do, only a short stint.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much at other places. My office has been taken over by my son, J. Between drumming and his new-found love of the internet (he and his friends discovered MySpace and he has a blog), I hardly get much of a go at this old computer of mine!

All right, that's all for now...off to have lunch with a friend of mine who's a professor at the community college where I teach. Oy...school for me starts August 15. My summer is fast coming to a close and I cannot tell you how sad that makes me.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Beach



I planned on writing about my visit to the shore the past couple of days with M and my sister and children at her in-laws’ house on the Strand in Manhattan Beach. The boys stayed home because of summer school and a burning desire to spend afternoons with their friends. I wanted to write about how I sat at the edge of the water in my low-down, red chair, burying my feet in the warm sand, watching the kids play in the gentle surf, and listening to the to-and-fro harmony of the waves. At one point, M came up to me, wet and sandy, shivering a little, and asked, “Do the waves stop when I go inside the house to sleep, Mama?” Her question made me think of the famous query, “If a tree falls in the forest, and there is nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

I didn’t play around with my response, “The waves never stop, not ever.” The concept of infinity is beyond her youth now, but not beyond mine. The children screamed into the coming waves that were so much bigger than they, waves that thankfully broke into harmless, foamy, ankle-deep water at their feet. The children looked to be a vision of defiant humanity, insistant on surviving the unstoppable tide of time.

But I’m not going to talk about all that. Not quite.

While I focused my camera on the children, my sister told me her best friend was coming to dinner, a young, unmarried woman who works the corporate arena. Jt’s great – she’s funny, observant, and can hold her liquor better than anyone I know. That evening, after dinner, after A and I put the kids go to bed near nine, the three of us drank wine at the dining table, looking out across the now-dark ocean, catching up on the goings-on in Jt’s life.

As we worked on our third serving of Merlot, Jt's cell phone beeped. She checked it, saying she thought she knew who it was, and listened to her voice mail. She showed us the blinking red light on her phone, the one that announced a message waiting at her office phone. My sister, A, and I nodded appreciatively at her possession of the latest communications technology. After a moment of more listening, she chuckled, and indulged our curiousity, telling us about the vendor who called, that she called at a quarter-to-eight, that the vendor is most likely nervous because Jt invited the vendor’s boss to a meeting without giving the vendor a timely head’s up.

“She’s probably upset at me.”

I asked her, “What meeting is this?”

“A client meeting.”

My sister asked, “And she’s upset…because…?”

“Her boss will be at the meeting.”

I asked, “And that’s bad because…?”

“Because she might not want to be seen in action by her bosses, she might get nervous, she might think I’m ambushing her. You know, it’s a client meeting.”

“I used to have client meetings,” I noted, a touch of wistfulness in my voice.

“I used to have vendors,” my sister said, “Man, could I manage those vendors!”

Jt refocused the conversation, “Notice she called at a quarter-to-eight.”

“Quarter-to-eight,” A said, looking mortified, adding, “Criminy.”

I couldn’t keep up the ruse. “And a quarter-to-eight is bad…because…?”

“Because she’s clearly working at that time and she’s making a point that I’m not in the office working, too!”

We belly-laughed along with Jt as if we were intimately familiar, currently familiar, A and I chiming in at the same time, “the bitch!”

The talk turned to e-mail, computers, comparing today to the days of when we typed papers in college using a typewriter, single drafts, only able to correct typos by backspacing and retyping over the errors with corrective White-Out paper. Jt told us business correspondence is changing, that casual communication is the order of the day. Problem is that sometimes the notes get too casual. Recently, she had to chastise an employee about his not capitalizing the pronoun “I” in status e-mail sent to clients.

“How did you find he was doing that?” my sister inquired.

“I saw copies of his e-mail.”

“Clients sent them to you?” I asked.

“No, he cc’d me.”

“Oh…cc’d you…”

I talked about letters I used to write to clients, how formal my voice remained throughout all levels of correspondence.

“But the law is different, traditional, no matter the format, phone calls, e-mail, snail mail.”

The house got quiet, the voices of the children long muted, the night fully rolled in. Jt tapped her foot against the leg of the table, her foot in expensive leather heels. She played with the stem of the glass and I sipped my wine.

I wondered if I’d locked the door downstairs, imagining some child molester coming in and stealing away one of the girls or all three of the kids without our knowing because we’re so entrenched in listening to Jt’s adventures in corporatism. A revealed what was on her mind by saying, “I took my baby to the doctor and he says not to worry yet that she’s not crawling even though she’s eleven months.”

The conversation had turned again.

When midnight came, Jt got her things together and we said our goodbyes, planning a dinner soon, out on the town. As soon as she left, my sister and I fell into a couple of chairs, laughing and laughing because we couldn’t believe just how far we’d come from the single life, from the cubicles in the glass-walled world of Century City, El Sugundo, West Covina.

“A quarter-to-eight?” she choked out, hardly able to finish the thought.

“A quarter-to-eight…my god, what’s this world coming to?”

At one o’clock in the morning, I’m in the kids’ room fixing M because she’s rolled off her sleeping bag into her cousin Aa’s sleeping bag. Near three, Aa woke up, calling for her mom over a nightmare, but I go in because my sister was upstairs sleeping with the baby and she needed all the sleep she could get. Near five, Aa was in my room because M rolled into her sleeping bag again and I drag myself to fix them up again. Near six, my sister was up. I heard the footsteps and baby Iz crying a storm. I slipped back into sleep until seven-thirty when M and her cousins fully woke, running out of their room to the tube to watch Sponge Bob in the living room and play a game of meowing cats. Meowing...loud enough to break glass.

A quarter-to-eight the time read when M came to my room asking if I could get them all some yummy, “Coco-pups.”

“Sure,” I said, “you got it.”

There’s no question that time is as relentless as those waves that never stop.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Purposeful Mental Breakdown




Taking a break from the London bombings, the Iraq struggle, and natural impending disaster, turning away from death by sex offender, random sniper, serial killer, and terrorism, the Californian housewife keeps quiet company. She doesn’t belong to any overtly oppressed group nor does she have any agenda or cause or drama with which to catch media attention. Her intelligence, her education, is unseen and she’s associated with the petty, with soap opera, with paranoid concerns about unsafe toys.

I dusted the curio cabinet today and worked chewing gum out from the carpet, I Swiffered the laminate floor and wiped the cabinets, all while the news showed blood-drenched persons, shell-shocked, repeating their stories. While the chicken sautéed and the vegetables heated in the microwave, the White House told us to be vigilant and to watch for unmanned baggage, packages, and whatnot. M scratched her hand as she ran through the kitchen, falling and crying and demanding a bandage, a Barbie one, it had to be a Barbie one. As I tended her hand, she then cried because she lost a puffy emblem off her blue sock and asked if I could tape it to her sock so she could be whole once more?

“I need it put on, Mama! I need it now!”

The chicken needed flipping once I heard some more about the killer of the Idaho family with the sole survivor. A asked me and asked me some more for cucumbers and tomatoes and J wanted his cd’s back, the ones I took away because he’d bought them without permission, bought the “parental advisory” cd’s even though we’d said, no, no, no, the bad language is too negative for your learning mind, but as I said, “negative” again for emphasis the news in the background reported the number of deaths first of Iraqi citizens, then of Londoners moving onto those in Haiti and Cuba.

“You can’t listen to music that says, ‘fuck the world.’”

“Why not?”

“Because you get drawn into the ugliness and don’t pay attention to what’s great about the music such as the drumming and the chords.”

“I want my cd’s back.”

The dinner was ready and as I searched the side drawer for a spatula, I saw the bills spread across the counter, stamps aside ready to be pasted, checkbook ready to be used, asking us to pay for electricity, gas, gasoline, the mortgage, line of credit, credit cards, cable, internet access, the phone, cell phones, dentists, doctors and the pre-school. Checking to see what was needed to finish setting the table, I noticed under the chairs a mess M left where she’d been peeling and eating hard-boiled eggs earlier. I turned to the sink and noticed a line of mold where the caulk had deteriorated and turning further still I saw at the foot of the refrigerator a puddle of blue yogurt that A spilled and didn’t bother to clean up. Barely, I eyed the dust under the fridge and became immediately tired at the prospect of pulling this thing out and cleaning the filth behind. I couldn't stand the dirt (endless, nightmarish, constant) and started sweeping under the chairs and wiping the yogurt even though dinner was now beginning to overcook.

I had to stop when J asked again for the contraband cd’s and when I said, “no,” (saying it while I peeled the chicken off the pan, having to scrape the burnt bottom) he made a big show by yelling wordlessly and banging on his drum set as hard as he could to let us know he was very, very disappointed.

At last I heard progress with North Korea and Dennis Rodman just in time for the children to scramble and slam themselves into their chairs at the dinner table, D putting final touches on the table, wondering whether the knife went on the left or right of the plate. I’m not sure, I told him, but I do know we need napkins. I went to the pantry and pulled out napkins from the last birthday party (Hot Wheels for A's 8th) while pictures of missing family in London flashed across the screen.

Any moment, I thought just then, we can be hit and lose one another tragically, any moment life can end as we know it, one push of a button and nuclear war will break out, Armageddon is on the brink for god’s sake. Any second now, utter blackness. I smacked at a mosquito (West Nile River) and handed out napkins, stopping when everyone has a napkin for their laps. Louder than I intended to, I said, “I used too much pepper on the chicken.” I hoped not because M won’t eat the chicken if there’s too much pepper.

“I don’t like pepper, Mama!”

“There’s no pepper, I was wrong,” I said, trying to save dinner, “besides even if there is too much, the pepper will be drowned in a sea of catsup. Not to worry.”

As I sat down in my place, as I took a swig of beer, the doorbell rang and M and A tore from their seats, running fast to the door against all the rules because one never knows who’s going to be at the door, running as if they’re expecting the Sweepstakes, and they scream across the kitchen once at the forbidden door that it’s Johnny and Brendan and Ryan and they want to play. Without waiting for my answer nor sending the visitors away, the three kids tore back to their seats, grabbed chicken chunks and announced their fullness. Could they be excused now that they were done eating? D began to object and I drank more beer, shrugging my shoulders, muttering something about summer and who cares anyway? I didn’t hear what D told me.

I think it would be nice to take a break from calamity, dirtiness, bills, dissatisfaction and hunger, to fall apart in front of everyone, to scream and rant and rave and pull my hair out so I could be carted away, away for a day, for two, for two weeks maybe in a sanatorium, talking to air conditioned faces and sleeping through breakfast in the dining hall, through the friendship hour in the recreation room. Perhaps I could make a lot of noise and walk around the house in my nightgown and slippers all day, crying and walking and listening to “voices in my head” so I could be given the respite that I, the housewife, so need, so want. Maybe at night in the recovery ward I could watch I Love Lucy and The Brady Bunch to ease my troubled nerves.

Fuck the world, I’d paint on my forehead! Strip the nightgown off and dance in front of our house, nude in the garden, dancing to reggae and disco of the seventies that only I hear, dance on top of the SUV, waving my arms about, claiming insanity and culture shock, weakened nerves and thrashed sensibilities.

The housewife, the mad, mad housewife, I’d be.

The dinner table was a wreck, forks and knives helter-skelter, pink and grey lily-swirled plates (gotten for our wedding) shamefully laden with food, Tupperware glasses half-empty of water and juice, one empty Corona beer for me with a wedge of lemon curled at the bottom. I cut the chicken slab on my plate into pieces, spread margarine on the broccoli and cauliflower (a frozen mix made by Birdseye), and ate, serene and smiling.

“Eat your chicken my dumplings,” I sang to my husband and absent children, “you need the protein to be productive members of society, to live long and prosper in our fine world.”

As background to my wisdom, I heard on the television, A giant panda bear was born today at the National Zoo in Washington D.C. The first one in 16 years, the mother at first was surprised…

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Lemon



Mercilessly sour, a cruel joke of an orange, the subject of cliché, lemon is a staple of Mexican cooking right along with lime, cilantro, oregano and onion. When we were children, my brother, sister and I coveted the fruit, taking the unused halves from the kitchen counter, sprinkling salt over them and eating them while my mother cooked, while we watched television or sat outside on the porch mid-make-believe-game. When I was about 13, I learned another trick from a favorite cousin…sticking a saladito in the center of a cut lemon and sucking the juice out, getting the salt of the salted plum in a most delicious way.

As a child, I was keenly aware that my non-Latina friends found my love of salty “candy” odd. I couldn’t explain it – it was in my blood.

We loved lemons so much my mother planted a lemon tree in our side yard one year. We were anxious for those lemons to start growing. Imagine…all the lemons we wanted right in our own house, right outside our kitchen door, just like at our grandmother’s house! I watched that tree change from sapling to full grown tree, but only to face disappointment. The tree was fruitless, not a single lemon came, not even through the second season of maturity. We waited, waited some more, dying for our own lemons to suck on, to use, to indulge in. Still no fruit came.

A housekeeper, Elia, stood with us one afternoon and studied the tree, all of us wondering why the thing wouldn’t produce. She had an idea and immediately went into the house. We sat patiently beneath the leaves, looking upwards, the sun’s rays shining through to our bare toes.

Just as we began to give up the vigil, Elia returned with small items in her hands, a tiny doll missing a leg, a toy dog with no tail, a plastic necklace long abandoned, a colorful measuring cup chewed by a puppy. She placed them aside and pulled from her apron pocket a ball of twine and scissors. Carefully, she hung each of the items all through the tree like Christmas decorations. She told my mother in Spanish that we needed to fool the tree into thinking she was a productive tree, that once she felt the weight of the “fruit” on her branches, the need to give more would be triggered.

“A woman can produce milk if given a baby to love and to care for, if the baby is put to her breast to nurse, even if that baby isn’t hers,” Elia explained. “The weight, the need, the love, can bring milk.”

My mother agreed, promptly offering her own recall of such incidents back in her hometown in Mexico. She added, “The trick works for cows, goats, too.”

We were fascinated.

One morning months later, we woke and ran to check the tree, our now-usual routine. We couldn’t believe it, there were fruits sprouting among the leaves, hanging on the branches. Green fruits, small, tight within, bitter. A week later, they were still green, small, tight within, and bitter. We were troubled. Why weren’t the fruits turning into lemons? Elia chuckled and my mother figured out the problem. They were limes. Over our groans of dismay, Elia told us not to be sorry because limes were wonderful, too. Why with a little salt, they could be bitten into and chewed. I knew that to be true...limes were particularly good with tequila...I'd seen my parents use limes that way many times. During parties (of which there were many), we'd hang around the "bar" in the kitchen, taking the cut limes. Sure, true, the stinging bite at the end was the best part. Provided the limes had the salt.

Well, we didn’t get the ever-producing lemon tree, but we still got to enjoy our salty “candy” right outside the kitchen almost like we had imagined.

Today, M and I visited my grandmother, to check on her, to see that she had food, and to spend precious time with her and my equally-frail grandfather. M wore a pink sundress, carried her Hello Kitty pink purse (a special five-dollar bill tucked inside) and stomped around in her favorite pink-tinged, lightening shoes (they light up when she walks).

After lunch in the kitchen, my grandmother brought out a basket of lemons to make lemonade. I stayed seated at the table, flipping through old recipe books and watching as the two juiced the lemons, made sugar water, and stirred the ingredients together. M stood on a rickety stool with her wooden spoon while my grandmother directed each step of the process, talking softly, moving slowly. There wasn’t any music going, no television. Mama and Papa don’t have air-conditioning. The air was warmish, the scents of lunch still hung about, cotija cheese, liver and onions, chile, and one burnt tortilla.

When they were done, M beamed as she dipped a quarter-cup into the wide-mouthed pitcher to get lemonade all by herself into juice glasses. With my grandmother’s fragile hand on her elbow, she stepped off the stool and brought me a drink.

“For our guest,” Mama said.

“For our guest,” M repeated, smiling at me.

We three then sat at the table and had summer “tea,” lemon with sugar.

A lemon is an unexpected joy because it’s too sour to eat outright. How the fruit transforms itself when accompanied by salt or sugar or when you cook with it. The lemon tells me a tale of family, of summery closeness, a clash of hearts whether blood-related or not. The lemon tells me we can’t go it alone. Alone, we’ll remain fruitless, unproductive. Sour.

As I drove home this afternoon, M spoke to me of her lemonade and how she wanted to serve it up to her brothers, to her dad, just like we did today.

“For our guests,” she said, placing her hand on the jar of lemonade next to her, next to her purse. The heavy traffic didn't bother us, not one bit.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Fourth




“And a lovely day was had by all.”

We spent the morning in a parade, walking around our neighborhood with all the other parents, waving to neighbors I only see this one day of the year, walking behind dog-walkers, stroller-sitters, and bike riders. We do this every year and the number of participants changes as the neighborhood changes what with kids getting older and sleeping in (like J), older people moving away to smaller places and beyond, young families moving in and having kids. A rode his bike and M decided for kicks to have D push her in our old jogger (a stroller of a sort) which didn't last because her shoes touched the front tire and she decided all on her own that she was too big. She pushed the stroller for the second half and from down the block I saw still how little she is in that I couldn't see her above the handlebar, just shoes, just hands curving over the black. At the end we had popsicles and chatted, breaking up by ten, when the sun started to move to the center of the sky.

I made breakfast (hard-boiled eggs and tomato salad) and then M and I went to the community pool, where we spent the next 3 or so hours playing in an imaginary world. There, we had a house on the pool steps and lived in a neighborhood in a city like the one we live in and made water-cakes, picked out water-library books, floating all over the edges of our Atlantis in our make-believe car (an orange noodle we both held fast to). M sang a song for me (such a long, sweet song the notes of which bounced the edges of the pool, staying with me, even now) and I told her stories about being in a forest with a lot of trees and bugs (“Nice bugs”). We took a cake to an under-the-water Mrs. Hockensox in the deep end and bought shiny purses at a watery boutique in the shallow end. I confounded M’s language abilities much to her delight by telling her about the car manufacturer and the oil refinery for gasoline in our blue city. We played, interrupted only by D bringing us sandwiches and Cheetos for lunch. By the late afternoon, when the pool began to get too busy, we left, cheeks and shoulders pinked, tired, wet, and happy.

The boys joined us, noisily for a short while, in between their hours with their friends.

The night was spent (after a requisite BBQ on our old charcoal kettle grill) watching fireworks from the bleachers at a nearby high school. We bought smoothies from Uncle B who managed to work the concession stand in spite of ill health. Then the show. In those brilliant bursts, I was reminded of so many other hot summers. 1976 at the Pasadena Rose Bowl for the only formal show my family ever attended. 1997 with my newborn, A, being rocked by my mother inside her townhouse while the rest of us lit firecrackers outside on the street, my brother B burning his fingers after warning my little J to always “play safely and sanely.” We really, really laughed at that. Many, many childhood summers with an aunt who no longer wants to have anything to do with me or my sister for reasons I no longer understand. A summer on the beach with a lover during my law school years that made me think marriage was something possible. 2004 in Washington D.C. with my son J, a wonderful, exciting two weeks where I said goodbye to J as a little boy and welcomed him as a preteen. As those silly explosions of light colored the night sky and M screamed in innocent, pure delight, I found myself weeping a little with both joy and melancholy.

I saw an interesting movie today, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” which so cleverly told me to “enjoy the little moments of love.”

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Good Movies

Since we've been home a lot, D and I have been movie watching. Some good ones we've seen in the past weeks:

Batman Begins (in the theater): Finally, Batman has stepped away from camp and entered the realm of comic book drama. I really enjoyed the visual presentation as well as the character of Bruce Wayne - nice, thrilling, but for Katie Holmes. Thank god, her role was limited.

Kinsey: I have to say, I was impressed with the fact that Kinsey was ever able to do anything during his time with regard to openly talking about sex. The university really had to have been quite progressive. Considering that Kinsey's Report has been recently cited as one the most dangerous books published, this makes for an interesting viewing.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman: This is much better than the trailers made it out to be - it's about love, rage, God, family. Both sweet and funny.

Vera Drake: A very interesting, quiet movie about abortion in its dark days (days that may soon return to us) - Vera was a fascinating character for her extreme naivete and saintliness. I was surprised that it was entirely fiction - for some reason I was under the impression she really existed, or rather, the movie played like a pretty typical bio-pic. Lordy.

Friday, July 01, 2005

What I Do Best

Blogging is bad for me. I tend to avoid all my other writing, rather enjoying the short attention span format of the blog. I’d hoped for more – more stories, perhaps a workshop or two, attention to a novel of mine…not happening. Not sure why. Perhaps the blog feeds into my laziness. Perhaps I’m not a writer and never will be. Perhaps I should stick to what I do best…which is…

Worry.

My grandmother fell a few weeks ago, resulting in a brief stay at a convalescent hospital. Her age showed – all 88 years. She told me during one of my visits there, “The food is delicious.” I knew then that things were much worse for her than I was willing to accept because food at a hospital is never “delicious.” When she got home and we were sitting in her den, she said to me, “You know your mother moved very high up in the police department,” a completely erroneous statement. She insisted she was talking about my mother. She said several times, “Your mother did that.” I finally corrected her, telling her that she wasn’t talking about my mother but about her sister and she said, “Oh that’s right.” I visited her again yesterday, after a week of avoiding her, and as she directed me to a couple of sardine cans for lunch, she told me, “Your brother ate a whole can of smoked oysters – you know, at your house. Your mother and father only let us have one oyster, but B, he ate a whole can!” More folding of time and place in that she was referring to something that took place in the 1970’s, when my brother, sister and I were kids.

The incidents have shaken me. I’m reminded of my mother’s neurological illness that killed her, I’m reminded that once again I am at the end of a life and I don’t know this person’s history, this loved one’s past – I don’t know the details, the technicalities. I haven’t learned everything there is to know and because of that I will never be able to pass on to my children their own history. I’m again left with the frustrating question of, “What is this all about?” All that energy a person gives, all their thoughts, their words, their worries…what is it all for and where the hell does all of it go?

I’m not ready for her to start slipping away – I’d hoped for the transition to be smoother, less traumatic, I’m not sure it will be. As always, I find myself grabbing hold of the relationship with a kind of desperation, fear. I’m sunk with worry and that worry spreads elsewhere, coloring my vision of everything around me, focusing all my attention to the negative and away from the positive.

The positive sits just beyond me, tapping her foot and crossing her arms...indignant…the perfect weather, sitting on the patio with my book in my lap while M plays with her Barbie dolls in the pools, the feel of her sweet, wet cheeks against mine when she comes to me, to show me the leaf she fished out of the pool. Summer fruits – the berries, the cherries, the peaches, the nectarines, watermelon, and the plums. The sense of no obligation to anyone. The “rest of the summer.” A late dinner on the patio. A bike ride after dinner at dusk, near eight o’clock. The idea of a trip to the mountains, a museum, the Aquarium, a boat tour to Catalina Island, a July 4 extravaganza, new books on my nightstand. A late night movie with D because the babysitter’s home from college and she’s got the kids. Walking across a parking lot at midnight and not needing a sweater.

The positive…the possibility, the plans for summer, enjoying a breeze that cools the room, a breeze that only lasts a moment or two.