Sooooo silly... We bought a webcam to talk to family across the country. I thought to test out video capture since I'm suffering insomnia. Posted about J. Always J.

We've already amassed a ridiculous collection of home videos. M and I talking about our "hotel." A loves to spend many minutes staring at the camera and making faces. The dog swimming across the screen.

I'll have to see if this works during the day, when I can speak in a normal tone. I never knew I rolled my eyes as often as I do. I'm in my pj's. I'm gonna be in pain tomorrow when I try to get up to take the kids to school.

Did I already say it? Sooooo silly.

So I posted something and immediately took it down. The sound was way off. I'm going to have to make several test runs.

R.I.P. Sassy

We lost our beloved girl today, doing what she loved...running like mad, down the street. Playing the jester just one too many times. We will miss you, doglet.

Vigil

The hardest part of sitting vigil while a person slowly retreats from this life is...sitting vigil. With both of my parents, I recall having to sleep, needing to finally go home and rest. I couldn't do it - I lay in my bed, tossing and turning, weeping, praying, waiting any second for the phone to ring. For some unknown cosmic reason, as if I willed it, the phone would ring and I would jump and grab the handset and there was this horror when I realized it was a wrong number at four in the morning.

This weekend we sit vigil for a beloved brother-in-law, the husband of D's older sister. BW is a strong man, a kind one, a truly giving Christian man. I point out his beliefs because he and I sometimes battled. In the end, I could not help but feel a slight envy at his faith.

Today, he is on our minds. We wait, we worry, we hope that some miracle will change the inevitable result of a long battle with diabetes.

School starts on Tuesday - there are things to be done. We've had a wonderful summer, visiting my brother-in-law's only son and family, D&A, in D.C., hanging out by our community pool, going to the beach, staying a week with my sister in Mammoth Lakes.

I have yet to write a thank-you note to D&A in D.C. for their great hospitality. The card waits on the table, the little gift to include. I don't know what to say now that D&A sit vigil in the hospital. I missed my opportunity to express that thanks and now my voice will seem like a drop of rain in the aching storm that for the moment, for now, is their life. Hopefully the words will come.

Godspeed, my dear friend.

The morning after...

Ahhh, now I see the articles analyzing Hillary and her accomplishments on behalf of the "gentler" sex.

Marie Wilson

Rebecca Walker

BBC News

Godspeed, Hillary...damn it!

Don't get me wrong, I truly respect and admire and am in awe of the meteoric rise of Barak Obama. But the woman in me who rallied like mad for Geraldine Ferraro back in college, who waited 22...nay, 28 years for another woman to even come close to the Presidency, the woman in me is deeply and, dare I say, bitterly disappointed that Hillary Clinton is not our nominee. We could taste the success and at the last moment, saw the end fly out of our reach.

Reviews of Hillary's speech last night were typically scathing. However, unlike the critics, I thought her speech was absolutely appropriate. DAMN it, she harnessed 18 million voters. As one of the CNN commentators said, Barak can still feel her breath on the back of his neck. This was no landslide. Not even close to one. So damn it, she owed those 18 million voters a speech and a speech she gave them on the eve of her post-primary departure that we all knew was coming. As a Hillary supporter, I liked hearing her accomplishments, I liked the reminder of the states she won, I liked hearing a reminder that DAMN IT, we as women are NOT finished, we are not conceding to anything. And if some people believed she was "defiant", well, she ought to be.

Critics railed that she should have acknowledged Barak's accomplishment in being the first Black to become a Presidential party nominee. And so many have. But Hillary...this was her night, too. No woman has gotten as far as she did in the process. Nobody commented on that accomplishment. That accomplishment has been virtually ignored in favor of criticism of her defiance.

My god, where would women be today if they weren't defiant? Where would most of this country be, if not for defiance?

Hillary Clinton will be gracious when the time is right - today at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee policy convention, for example, and Friday. But last night, was "her" night.

Damn it.

Happy Mother's Day!!

May the day be a blessed one for all!

Go Hillary!

You know, when it comes down to it, I have such a soft spot for Hillary Clinton. While there might not be much difference in policy between Barak Obama and Hil, I believe in her experience and woman-ness. YAY for Ohio!

First Post of the Year

Mid-February - such a delay for a first 2008 post. I've been distracted by family routines and drama and the new job. But I'm here now.

I lost my coat somewhere, sometime in January. The coat was a grey wool pea coat that my mother and I had purchased together at Nordstrom's, off the sale rack. The right-hand pocket was flawed in that one side of the satiny pocket had never been anchored to the thick outer shell of the coat. To use it, I always had to fish for the opening once my hand passed the slit in the coat. Every time I searched for the side pocket, I thought of my mom telling me, "We'll just sew it up. Easy." We never got around to doing that before she died. The coat got a lot of use. Whenever the temperature dipped below 60, I grabbed it out of the hall closet. For years that coat has been featured in family pictures. For years I've hidden in the coat, protected, comfortable. I thought of getting a new one, but new ones never felt as secure as the grey one with the big black buttons. My sister told me the coat was getting a bit...outdated. Sometimes when the house was particularly chilled, I cuddled beneath the coat. If I was unsure of the weather, I'd take it anyway. Even if the thing stayed draped across the back seat.

So, yeah, the coat is gone. For the life of me I can't remember where it could have been left behind.

I wonder if it got left at a faculty assembly, where I sat between my boss and a Psychology professor. Or maybe it was in a classroom, where I stood at the front of the room and spoke of outlining as a tool to improve writing. Maybe I left it in the room once I gathered my books and flash drive, before I headed out into the dark. Perhaps I simply shed the coat in the hallway outside my little office decorated with books and framed posters from my house. Perhaps I walked and shrugged off the drab grey coat, shrugged it right off my shoulders to show off the lacy blouse beneath, the light-colored slacks, and the platinum pendant swinging against my chest. It must have felt good to walk away from that heavy weight on me.

I know it must have felt good because I didn't even notice its absence for the longest while.

Today, I read homework and assignments and dialogued with students by e-mail. We're having a meeting on Monday afternoon to revive our department's student association. I'm working slowly on an accreditation report due in June. My boss is a lovely person, a former missionary, a lawyer, too. We have lunches together and she always smiles when I walk into her office. When she introduces me to people she knows, she says, "We're just thrilled to have her!"

During the winter intersession at the University I learned that a colleague knows my favorite professor from my alma mater. I realized in that moment that I was where I was always meant to be. In my senior year, I took a detour from my wish to get a doctorate in English. Law school. By walking away from graduate school, I knew I was walking away from an academic career. For many years I agonized about that decision. Dissatisfaction with practicing law grew and weighed down my spirit. The children came, the marriage dipped, I was lost in a fog of displacement. Writing wasn't good enough to quell the lasting ache of having missed what I thought was my long-lost opportunity.

When I heard that I was mere steps away from my English professor, I suddenly saw the full circle.

I shed a weight when I signed on to work at the College. I finally got to a place where I wanted to be. And it feels so good to be free.