Monday, August 08, 2005

Attention Deficit Disorder

I must have A.D.D. I'm sitting here at my desk with the sole intention of preparing for classes next week (after a week of not being able to get to my computer thanks to my being essentially locked out of my office by my older son), but I'm not working on that. I'm reading blogs that I've neglected and writing my own.

Sad about Peter Jennings, isn't it? I'm reminded a bit of my father because we used to always watch the Evening News over dinner.

Speaking of dinner, I've no idea what to cook tonight.

Where was I? Oh yes, several things have been on my mind. Like television. As in the death of Nate on Six Feet Under and the end of Queer as Folk. Once again, I'm faced with my now-getting-ridiculous hatred of endings, separation. I practically sobbed when the creators killed their main character in SFU and cried all through this last episode surrounding the funeral. I'm extremely sorry to see QAF go especially in this current day of anti-gay sentiment. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy does NOT cut the mustard.

Don't say it, I'm a complete fool for fiction, I know. I won't argue the point. I truly enjoy the ongoing story - love the characters, the plots, the escapism, the reflection. Sadly, there is no comparable drama on the air right now. There isn't any dramatic series as focused on interpersonal relationships as those two have been. There's lots of murder going on now, lots of reality crap, lots of sitcoms and news programs...but the complex adult family drama? If there is one and I'm not aware, please enlighten me.

Moving a bit inward...to an itch on my belly button. I have an innie. My sister's an outtie. I think the spelling's wrong on those. Wait, I need a coke. Make it a Diet Coke...I've gained another five pounds over the summer, damn it. Too much lying about. Oops...M needs me to fiddle with Eye Toy on the playstation. Be back.

Back.

What bothered me about the death of Nate was the sense of the incomplete life. The character constantly struggled to be happy, to reach a state of personal peace, and he never got there other than through death. Both my parents chased similar states throughout their lives and were about as successful as the character of Nate. Both died...incomplete. I vowed at each death to do more to satisfy my own personal goals...and here I am, feeling incomplete. Undone. If I die tomorrow or a year from now or even five, what then?

What is it I'm trying to accomplish, really (other than how to stretch this last week of summer into a month - scanning my girlfriend's Civ Pro notes will be a help)?

This past weekend brought up the same query (the above query about my accomplishments, not the query as to how to stretch out my week) as I attended with D his high school reunion. He's quite a bit older than me, so don't fall over when I say it was his forty-year reunion. We were teased mercilessly because my husband was the only one there with a four-year old child that wasn't his grandchild. While he chatted with everyone, I felt like I was in a bit of a time warp. Next door to us was Class of 1985 reunion, only a few years off my '82. When I walked out to call our babysitter, I could hear on one side the music of Berlin and on the other, the music of the Beach Boys. At my huband's reunion, there was a table with the names of people who passed on, their high school pictures, faces ready to battle the world. How fast it all goes! How little time we have to figure out what we want, get out there and get it done!

I'm frustrated with the fuzziness of my job...a writer? A teacher? A mother? Is a little of everything okay with me? Will I end tomorrow, sorry?

Today, I had lunch with my sister-in-law at her Christian Women's Club. I'm always happy to go to be with her, but can only take it in small doses because of the testimonials. The message is always the same: Ask Jesus into your life and you will be saved from awful things. The speakers mean this quite literally. God will put clothes on your back, save you from car accidents, burglars, failed businesses. I always, always, feel the compulsion to bite my tongue during these statements, I always want to argue (let's go for the obvious...were there NO Christian individuals who died tragically in 9-11? Nobody who'd let Jesus into their life and begged for their lives to be saved? What about the millions who die each year from disease who are Christian?). I'm just floored by the silliness of literal beliefs.

Oh nooo...the drums. I must move them. Out...out...

I've just handed off those Civil Procedure notes to D - forget scanning. Go to the copy place down the street. I'll give you a big hug and a kiss!

Back to the Christian Lunch. I chose (instead of biting my tongue, one that has strawberry tendencies, that is, it gets splotchy when I eat high-acidic foods, oddly enough making the picture of me sticking my tongue out, sort of a risky one) to listen to the speaker and apply the theory of "positive thinking" or "light" to her message. In the end, I saw that the idea of "Christ" can be the same as "letting peace into one's heart." To free oneself from stresses (whether they are serious childhood trauma or the temporary stress of children demanding too much) can lead to better circumstances, to more healthful living. Through voluntary willingness to let difficulties go, to accept difficulties as a fact in life, to choose joy over sadness, one can reach a state of peace.

In listening to the speaker, I believe such a goal can be reached through prayer, through tapping the meridian points, through meditation. Buddhism has comparable precepts, the idea of zen, the idea of accepting suffering as part of life in order to focus on happiness and joy (also part of life) as a means to ultimate peace.

I enjoyed the lunch, enjoyed as always the company of my sister-in-law, MW. I'd decided to accept my suffering and be at peace rather than bite my tongue.

Now, now, I must go back to work. After I read some more blogs. After I play around with my music. The more I write of work, here, the sleepier I'm getting. Perhaps I'll take a nap...that is, if the kids will leave me alone for an hour or so. Now that I mention it, the last thing I'm thinking of as I draw to a close, is how much I'd like to spend a weekend alone. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. I think it was before my mother died. How nice to not be asked of anything for a few days.

Breathing in...breathing in...pretend M and A are not fighting over the playstation...what was I writing about to start with? I can't even remember. I think I'll buy tickets to the King Tut Exhibit today. Ouch, criminy, I just banged my elbow on the desk...

17 comments:

butterstar said...

Verry ADD post. I love it.

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Fromage de Merde said...

Though a big fan of ADD and the drugs that doctor’s over prescribe for it, I can’t, or won’t succumb to television! I know, I know – how un-2005 of me and all but TV just sort of insults what little intelligence I have!

Or at least that I fake that I have…

However I still have the attention span of a gnat, the same type pf patients that the pope has for blasphemers, gay marriages and abortionists, as much compassion as any run of the mill sociopath and of course I’m willing to watch movies, any movie, over and over and over again – because hell, its like watching a new movie each time!

nappy40 said...

Great post Adriana. Hang in there!

Is QAF gone? I had no idea.

LeaLea said...

LOL you are sooo like me...
Hugs to you,
Leane

Lori said...

I beg to differ on the TV dramas. Yeah, it's summer and most of it's crap. But I think you forgot about 'The Closer.' That is a GREAT show. I didn't think I would like it as much as I do, since it is yet another cop show and it's a little gimmicky (as you said so well bud) with Kyra Sedgwick's fish-outta-water weirdness and the sometimes annoying, twangy score...but the characters are interesting, fun to watch...and the show's pretty well written. I'm always absorbed from beginning to end, so I can't ask for better TV than that.

I got your e-mail...I just watched 'Wanted' on Sun. night. I was so disappointed. I mean, I love Gary Cole. I think he's one of the most underrated actors around. Lee Tergesen, too...love that guy! I've been hoping that both of them could find something new to really shine in. And in theory, 'Wanted' is perfect. But, uh...in execution...EEEEE. What a piece of crap. It's really just a bad, bad, BAAAAAD clone of 'The Shield.' I mean, did you listen to that awful---I mean, AWFUL---dialogue?? Throwing in all that profanity just because they could...and all those scenes of pointless dialogue between the terribly written, flat, uninteresting LOSERS they call their main characters. God, it was PAINFUL.

I will probably end up watching it anyway, just because Gary and Lee are two of my favorite actors and the only bright spots. But, wow. What a waste.

Danny said...

Loved your rant, and agree about Nate's death and the end of "Six Feet Under." The writers clearly don't want to give us any "nice" closure to these characters which I can respect but I was sad at how Nate and Brenda's relationship has been so thoroughly trashed, even in Brenda's most recent "encounter" with dead Nate. I still hope that in the last two episodes she gets some kind of positive reflective moment about that part of her life. Last Sunday's episode was painful from beginning to end with the only tiny bit of comic relief coming from Joanna Cassidy's brilliant Margaret "I don't want to make this day about me" Chenowith. I watched "Queer as Folk" too and liked what they were trying to do in the series, but I just wish wish wish it had been better written. They were really good at finally showing TV audiences that gay people have real sex lives and are not just the eunuch friends of sitcom stars, but they ultimately succumbed to every cliche in the book, don't you think? After the finale last Sunday I was suddenly grateful for the complex misery that the talented "Six Feet Under" writers are putting us through.

Jim said...

I have ADD and it's not funny.

Oh wait ... yes it is! LOL

I was shocked at Nate's death too. My gf and I watched and she predicted it very early in the show. Good call on her part. Very naughty on Alan Ball's part. Is this the last season?

Adriana Bliss said...

I'm laughing pretty hard at the advertising for female infertility here...if the person really read my blog, they'd be adverising methods to become sterile rather than cure it.

Thank you, Butterstar!

Adriana Bliss said...

Fromage, you have to at least rent Six Feet Under - Alan Ball, the creator and writer of SFU also wrote "American Beauty", a great film. I tell you, there's much to see, much to contemplate, much to feel miserable over! It's not the "television" that you imagine.

Haha on your seeing a new movie each time - sadly, I'm that way about meeting people. Every time I walk the neighborhood, I meet "new" people, people who know my name and all about my life. I simply nod, make happy...as if I totally know who they are. Sad, I know.

Adriana Bliss said...

Thanks for the encouragment, Nappy40 and Lealea!

Butcher...yup, last season. I'm bitter.

Adriana Bliss said...

Lori, I'm in complete agreement about "the Closer" - now that's great television. Kyra S's character moves the progam far and above the run-of-the-mill murder mysteries that are currently on.

Two words about "Wanted": Aaron Spelling. I told you it wasn't very good (lol! Understatement apparently!) Despite it all, I do love Lee...man, he's so good. And he's looking good. I only wish he try out for the real deal and end up with a juicy role on the Shield.

Adriana Bliss said...

Danny, I know what you mean about QAF, and perhaps what saved the show for me was always Gale Herold (Brian). No matter what was happening around him, he held onto his character, he made me believe in who he was. I loved him, too, because he offered a great ironic twist on the "angry young man" in modern film. I always found him to be this delicious mockery of Marlon Brando or James Dean...sort of like watching slash fanfic on t.v. But...yes, QAF did fail in many ways, but not enough to keep me from being pissed off that it's gone.

And yes, I'm sad about the trashing of Brenda and Nate - they should have reached some sweet ending, but then I suppose that isn't SFU. SFU will thrash "me" from the beginning to the very end. It started out with a life cut short, it used always as its opening a life cut short, and it took its main character and cut his life short. Maybe that's it...no matter when death happens, it's too early. I can't even predict what Alan Ball will do with Brenda. Peaceful acceptance seems to be something that would require a whole season to reach!!

I'm bitter.

Tamar said...

Another really great post. I love the "ADD" bit and hearing about the moment-by-moment of your thoughts and actions in your day. Just loved it!

Jude said...

I only just discovered Six Feet Under and had started watching it on DVD. And now I just found out that Nat is going to die. Mmmm - do I watch any more?

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