I woke up this morning not myself, wanting to crawl or slither to the kitchen for coffee and then crawl or slither back to my bed to turn the tv on to watch some Lifetime movie or maybe perhaps even slide through the kitchen with coffee in hand to the computer to stare at pages, searching for nothing really, just stuff to liven my mind, to come to, to stop myself from being a slug. I tried to be my smiley self with A but ended up angry when on our way out to the car he wouldn't stop grabbing his sister and taking her things after I'd told him to just get in the car - touching her, annoying her, making her screech, pushing her to the floor in the entryway. Once outside, I gave him a gentle push to get into the car and he reacted to that poorly, starting to cry, as if I'd shoved him but that's A, perhaps that's how he saw my urging.
I am perplexed on what to do when the two fight that way. I want to stop A, he needs to respect boundaries, I am saying, "Do not touch your sister." Problem is that my attempts to restrain A feeds M's reaction to his touching her - she gets ammunition - it's okay to get upset when A moves anywhere into her space because Mommy gets upset, too. So I end up, just boomeranging with their names...alternating...and trying to be...positive. Ending up wanting to pull my hair out.
I am walking on egg shells when it comes to A. Any shift in my upbeat mood seems to rock him. I am reminded of living with my mother, where I had to be perfect, say nothing, keep it together, or else I might trigger a bad reaction. But then the time came where my own mood would slip and I would say something that challenged her and whoosh, there's the fury and sadness and she'd reach for a drink or whatever was nearby to express whatever that thing was that lived inside her...all she needed was the unlatching.
I hate the similarity.
Today, I'm going for a bike ride with M and my sister and her babies. We'll pedal around her quaint, rich neighborhood and avoid the peacocks and slow-moving Asian couples that walk in pairs with their hands behind their backs and nod their heads when they see us, seeming so pleased to be breathing the air of life and seeing the leaves sway to the ground. We will joke about our failings and talk baby-talk to her littlest one in the buggy. M and T will ride side-by-side on their small bikes perfect for four-year-olds and head for the peacocks and leaves.
I'll do my deep breathing before I go...and try to let go of the bad mood. I'll not worry about breaking the egg shells because I have found if you paint them silver or gold you can use them as bits of art - stick them on black paper next to macaroni and pink fluffs and cotton balls and old buttons.