Sunday, January 07, 2007

Stuck

We spent a windy day at Legoland on Friday – my sister, myself, and five of our six children. We had a guest, too, a cousin the same age as our kids. J didn’t go because he’s grown out of the park. In truth, I didn’t want to go either. The thought of an amusement park just rubbed me wrong. The thought of expending energy rubbed me wrong. When my sister rang me up in the early morning, all dressed and ready to hit the road, I sank deeper into the sheets, my eyes drawn to the curtains where shadows of trees swayed, behind which leaves brushed the windows. D was anxious for me to go, so he could get stuff done without the children hanging on him. He popped out of bed and got coffee going.

A kind of depression had come on. I felt sorry for myself, for J with his intense tics, tics I could hear across the house with doors closed. I’d spent the night awake, staring into the dark, tossing and turning, listening to D’s snoring. I found myself crying over J’s condition, crying in utter disappointment that the medication had quit working, that we were back to square one, where nothing worked and we were just going to have to try something else.

Goddamnit.

The drive to Carlsbad seemed interminably long, the children happy though, happy to be hanging out together. They’re easy that way. We arrived and spent a long lunch with JE, our cousin who works there. She left her son RE with us for the afternoon. Again, easy. I walked and had a coffee and chatted with Sister. Little energy had to be expended. As the sun began to go down, the temperature in the park did, too. I put gloves on, put my coat on. Huddled on a Lego-red metal chair to watch M ride the little cars while my sister entertained two-year-old Izzy nearby.

With all the other children in the group, she ran and got into a Lego-blue car. The announcer asked everyone to raise their hands if they buckled their seat belts. Like the kindergartener she is, she raised her hand. They were off. Except M’s car didn’t move. She raised her hand. An attendant ran to her and tried to get the thing moving but it still didn’t move. He pushed her to the side and got her into another car. Lego-yellow. She buckled up and began her first loop around the track.

She rode an entire thirty seconds before the announcer told everyone to stop their cars because their run was over. M made it around half the track. Everyone popped open their buckles and began running to the exit.

Except M. She fumbled with the seatbelt and when she couldn't get it off, she raised her hand high in the air like a good student. Just like the attendants told her to do.

And she sat. And sat, her arm unmoving and as high up as she could get it. Without getting a single attendant to look at her.

I began to fight the exiting kids, trying to get in through the exit, waving and calling out to A and AH who were coming out, too, “No, no, turn back! M is stuck in the car! Go get her!”

The attendants were too far away to hear me and too wrapped up in managing exiting riders to care. My poor little M continued to hold her hand in the air and no doubt was in a state of pure mortification. The attendants of course continued to be completely oblivious to the trauma that was happening across the track. I couldn’t see M’s face clearly, just her little hand in the air, waiting, waiting. But I knew her heart.

She then got the clue that she was going to have to save herself, that nobody was going to come, so she began to squirm out of the belt, just as third-grade AH arrived to save her. The tears started as the two girls walked closely together off the track, AH’s arm around M, AH flashing nasty looks to the Lego-workers.

Normally, I’d have ripped the attendants new you-know-whats but you know, I just grabbed M into my arms as she sobbed over the ridiculous humiliation of being trapped by a seatbelt.

I couldn’t help but chuckle and yet…

The wind picked up and the kids rode one last ride, the awful seatbelt nightmare forgotten by everyone but me.

From there, tiredness fell over me that I cannot describe. But first we had to have dinner with my cousin, JE. The pizza was late, didn’t get to her house until eight that evening, an entire two and a half hours after we left the park. She had ice cream sandwiches to offer, pictures to share and pictures to take. Truly a lovely hostess. We had a long ride home. By the time I got into bed, it was after midnight and all I could see in the dark was M in that car, far away from me, with her hand up and nobody coming. I couldn't sleep a wink.

D said across the bed in the lightless room, “Forget it. It was kind of funny, wasn’t it? Classic even. I mean, who can’t get out of seatbelt other than blonds and Polish people?”

“But it wasn’t funny. She was helpless. Kind of like how we are to J’s tics. Completely and utterly helpless. Mortified.”

Silence met me.

“You’re too deep for this hour of the night. Stop thinking in analogies.”

“I can’t help it, it’s what I do. I think in analogies. Constantly. My entire blogging life is made up of analogies. What would I write about if not for the analogies?”

“What would you write about?” Not a question. A statement. Sleep overtook him. I got up and watched TV. I’m going to call UCLA, I thought. I’m going to stop that lousy new medication he’s on that isn’t working. I’m going to look more seriously into dietary changes. I’m going to wiggle out of this medical seatbelt.

We are not helpless, goddamnit.

9 comments:

Lori said...

Aw, bud. Again, I am so sorry to hear about the meds not working for J. And that story about M had me kind of laughing, but understanding how the poor kid must've felt. All due to your brilliant writing, of course. :)

Diana said...

Very nice post. Love the analogies. I could feel your stuckness and hurt and depression - all of it.

Dale said...

xoxoxo

J. said...

You are an amazing writer. A video of the whole experience wouldn't come close the the clear picture your words paint.

Best wishes from a stranger from a distance.

Jennifer said...

You're right.

We are not helpless.

But damn, when that feeling comes, it near overwhelms, doesn't it?

Thinking of you, Ms. Bliss.

David N. Scott said...

Awww. Hm, that looks condescending when written.

That was a hearbtreaking little story there, though--little girl forgotten.

I suppose the thing it was the metaphor for is much worse, but then I have a little girl and not a teenager so it hits me more... plus, there's a poignancy, maybe.

Medication seems so awful, all the time. Side effects and relapses and all. I hate it in effigy.

I know what you mean about having no energy, too. As we all try to adjust over here to a new reality where the phone doesn't ring it's so tempting to just sit down and think about nothing for a minute or an hour or a day or a week or a month...

Hungryfroggy said...

I have been reading your blog for a while, although I usually don't comment. I'm trying to change that. I want to let you know that you do such a wonderful job capturing the essence of what it is to have children -- the joy, heartache, helplessness -- all of it. Thank you for your wonderful posts, and all the best to you and your family.

http://herpnknit.typepad.com/herp_n_knit/

patrick said...

I think you've been at Legoland for like a month now - Ok, I know, like I should talk. Are there awards given for the least postings per month? I think we're neck and neck in the finals. What is it? 2007 the year of the anti-blogger...

Adriana Bliss said...

Oh thank you, my dear readers. Thank you for stopping by, for reading my hits and runs, for your kind words that so warm my heart when it needs warming. :) And welcome! to some new faces, J and hungryfroggy (a lovely blog btw!).