The Last of the Hundred Things

The end...

81. I’m clumsy. I’m clumsy when it comes to face-to-face communication of any kind and when it comes to physical activity. I fall off my flat shoes in public, I drop things, I stumble over my words – the worst moment of my lawyer life happened in front of a client and my boss when I was a new lawyer, a plane flight away from home, sitting second chair in a civil trial. We were in a restaurant, a break from trial, and I ordered taquitos. I was so nervous I chose to eat them with a fork in a misguided effort to be neat, to be polite. For the uninitiated, one cannot eat taquitos with a fork because they are tortillas which are rolled tightly and fried and which are therefore quite crispy but not fall-apart-crispy, more like brick-crispy. So when I attempted to cut the roll in half, the other half flew off the dish and splashed spectacularly the front of my new, ivory-colored blouse with guacamole and red sauce. I swear to god every patron in that Mexican restaurant stopped eating, talking, breathing, while I walked the long walk to the bathroom to save some face.

82. One of the best moments in my lawyer life happened when I argued in court in support of a motion for summary judgment on behalf of a client. The client had come to me last second and I just stepped over the line of timely service by faxing a copy of my motion to opposing counsel minutes after the cut-off time. I was technically in violation and that gave opposing counsel an open door to get my motion thrown out. I hung my hat on the technicality and went into court confident and passionate – the technicality was just that, I said, what counted here was saving the court time and the public tax dollars by having certain issues heard on summary judgment. I responded to each and every opposing argument and answered each question thrown at me by the judge. I won. But that wasn’t my moment – my moment happened when I was trudging up the stairs of the parking lot and a fellow lawyer behind me (a man) said, “You did a great job back there – one of the best oral argumentations I’ve heard in law and motion court.”

83. Nothing matched the look on my father’s face whenever he said to me, “You’re my beautiful lawyer.” When I lost that gift of pride with my father’s death, I lost everything good about practicing law.

84. I was threatened only one time with malpractice and that was by a true-blue con artist – a real shock to me. I learned from the threat to be even more compassionate to clients on the defense side of litigation.

85. I’m glad I went to law school – if it hadn’t been for working at a small law firm in the suburbs, I’d have never met my husband. Well…on the other hand…

86. I’m kidding about my husband. Had I stayed in school for my English degree, I might have been living away from Los Angeles and I think I needed to be here all these years. I believe for so many reasons that it was my destiny to be here.

87. Four great personal moments of my life: the first times I laid eyes on the faces of each of my children and when my husband asked me to marry him.

88. The saddest moments in my life were looking at each of my parent’s faces for the last time.

89. I cannot say the words, “My amazing family.” I don’t know if I’m simply unable to see the wonder because of the challenges my children pose or if I learned a terrible trait from my mother who often said, “I’m not one of those parents who can’t see the faults in my children.”

90. I’m very tired these days.

91. I love a road trip with my colorful, lively, loud, giggly, smart-alecky, non-robotic, unique family. We’re thinking about going to San Francisco this summer, stopping over in various places overnight.

92. I love hotels, especially when I’m on a road trip and it’s that time at night when I flip on the light next to the queen-sized bed when everyone is asleep, when I settle back against a pillow to only kinda read because I’m too busy listening to my snoring husband, the gentle, dreamy breathing of the two younger kids, and the things my oldest says when he’s talking in his sleep.

93. I curse a whole hell of a fucking lot but you’d never fuckin' know it from reading my damned enjoyable blog.

94. I’m not very patient which is one reason I don’t home-school my children.

95. One of my favorite pictures of my husband is this one where he’s playing on the bed with one of the kids and he’s on his side and he’s brushing his hair back with his hand and he’s looking at me with a smile that’s only for me.

96. I’m a spur-of-the-moment person – I can wake up in the morning thinking I’m going to shop and clean and talk to my sister on the phone and do ordinary things, but then in an instant, I can be on my way to the mountains or the beach for an overnight stay someplace, anyplace, and my inner constitution is fine and dandy which is the polar opposite of my husband and my oldest child, J. The other two kids are right behind me, ready for an adventure.

97. I get very amorous when I’m drunk.

98. I need to get drunk more often than I ever do anymore.

99. When I’m tired, fiction doesn’t flow very easily.

100. I like attention from all around more than I say I do – I say I don’t want it or need it because…because…I’m profoundly insecure.