I miss reading all my favorite blogs. I feel my little "family" has disappeared and of course, it's my fault for being so absent, so neglectful. A couple of weeks ago, Tamar wrote about her cave. She spoke about it so beautifully, in a positive way, describing a personal space, "hours of alone time, time to think, reflect, feel, understand, and, especially, time to write."
How I want that cave!
At the same time, I do feel a little withdrawn into another type of cave, one not so wonderful - I find myself anxious, tired, worried, bored even though I have something to do at all times of the day, sad. I miss writing, I'm always about to write something. Opening sentences hang on my fingertips, about to be typed, but disappear with my inaction. I sometimes feel the loss of "art" and find myself mourning the things I'll never accomplish. Like that novel of mine, like all of them.
Certainly, things are plodding along. J so far is handling school all right, no problems so far. He seems to like the classes and the teachers. M is very happy attending three days of preschool. She definitely needs a year before kindergarten - I'm hoping she'll be ready for it. Today we learned (not unsurprisingly) that A is below grade level (3rd) so he's been put into an "intervention" program. We start next week...he has to be in school at 7:00 a.m. three days a week. I don't think I need to tell you how much I'm dreading that. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's getting the attention, but I feel a little hopeless about it since we had him in a morning class last year and neither his handwriting nor his maths skills improved. I'm thinking some of what he's in intervention for requires him to get older before his skills will advance.
Is it terrible to be sad that my child needs so much help? Is it terrible to be a little envious of parents whose children have no difficulty? I keep wondering what I've done wrong. In my darker moments, I'm convinced my husband has bad genes. Yes, yes...it's all D! Damn him!
Thank god for mindless video games and television, oh and my books. Whatever would I do without my books?
Hugs to everyone. Thank you for being you, for being steady and reliable and uplifting.
10 comments:
Hey bud---
I so hear you. I know exactly how you feel, as I think it's much the same way I feel...and I only have ONE kid. But I too, feel very much like I'm just kinda trudging through life. Both my husband and I miss being creative as well. Everyday life is doing its best to keep us from ever getting back into artistic pursuits. I know life is all about finding the right balance...but it often feels like we're never going to find it.
Uplifting, ay? Yeah, I know. Waaah, waaah, waaah. I'll shut up now.
I too have been finding myself in a "not so good cave" lately. I've had a flu that's taken down 2 of the 4 boys so far. (UGH, a mother's work is never done!) Jake has been having a particularly hard time at school lately too (now he's on NEW meds) I too have a child who's not quite up where the others are academically. It is very frustrating, especially since schooling came very easy for me. I too, find myself blaming it on DH! It's somehow easier if there is someone to blame...... I think maybe it's the weather bringing this all on.
Lori, I think the sense of losing creativity is one of the worst "feelings" that comes with family life overtaking...well... everything. And actually my lack of "uplifting" posts is one of the reasons I've not been posting lately!
Dana, I wouldn't be surprised if the impending shift in seasons is responsible for the overall "down" mood. And I'm glad to know at least I'm not the only one who suffers at the less than fantastic accomplishments of our babies. School DID come relatively easy for me which is why I have such a hard time trying to cut through A's fog that he seems to display.
Thanks, both of you, for your comments - I truly appreciate it. :)
((Hugs)) I've been neglecting my blogging a bit, too.
I'm missing your fiction....but am very patient.
Hi Adrianna,
Boy, I feel the same way about being in a sad cave these days. I don't have children to keep me from my creativity, yet I've lost a lot of it somewhere. It's like a glass wall between me and what I want or need to do. I can see what's over there, just can't get to it. Make sense?
I've decided to "tag" you on my blog for a silly little thing to do. It's easy. You will need to visit me for the instructions. Who knows, perhaps what you find you've written will bring some inspiration to you. Just don't ask me what it's all for because I was tagged too and still don't know, lol! Hope to see you soon :)
It's rough, the creativity thing. Even when my days are almost completely free, I find it's still hard to work on anything if I'm in a slump.
I don't think you have to be working on something presently to be creative, though. I mean, at best it comes in fits and starts, and whatever part of the brain governs that stuff seems to need a lot of time to stew, or at least in my case it does. So yes, um, happy stewing? The writing will come sooner or later (I cheat, and count blog entries as practise).
Hi Adriana, I've been away from blogging -- real blogging -- for a couple of months or more, barely able to keep up with my own posts and not able to keep up with blogfriends. It's great to return here and read your sad-funny descriptions of family life, a subject that touches me deeply. Don't worry about the quantity of your posts, the quality is as high as ever.
Bless you my dear blogmates - there are no words to describe how much I appreciate all of you.
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